GuanAd's Haven

In the past week especialy, i have been like a dead man floating. Going through school unconcerned about the piling assignments due next week and skimping through the housework. Clothes ironed but they looked crumpled and floor mopped but still have lots of hair flying around. Even with jo, i become increasingly impatient and find myself struggling with him. I became sad,stressed, paranoid and to add fire, that simply overtook my whole being. Complains and tantrums..in short. I acted like i dint know who i was. Emotions overtook my sober state of mind.

And the shit thing is that everytime this happens in my life, i say stuff that i would normally regret. I paint a picture uglier than it actually is. Self pity. I'm really capable of doing that. You know i once thought i was ok.. Hey God, there's nothing really much for me to change ya know. There was no reply then. All along, I have been learning the lesson of faith, trust.. and yet this time, i felt the 1 big lesson that God wants me to experience is to know who i am and how far i am from being an overcomer.

In fact, I am struck by reality that I lack love, patience, a discerning mind and self control. Hey I'll be 25 in 2 months time and somehow, i still see this immaturity in me. I have to grow up. Oh lord, help me to rid this stinky part off me.

My r'sip with God has reduced to a quick glance at daily bread. I hardly even find time to open the bible. I brush through work with God and every morning, I pray for the same thing and people till sometimes it becomes a routine. In the past, travelling on the mrt was God's time. Now the minute i find a seat, i take out some work to accomplish. Of course most of the time, it was fruitless. Fortunately, once a week in CF, for every lost steps that i strayed, it sort of pulled me back a little. I need to get on.. focus! Find myself, Find GOD!