GuanAd's Haven

I woke up today this morning feeling that the whole world owes me a living. But as I cabbed to school, I got to read this advertisement on the box of "pure milk" T shirt. It goes about telling me how fortunate I am if i can breathe, have family members, have a shelter above me, read, live comfortably, then it goes on to ..have a church, worship freely and so on.. yes indeed I was touched to read that little ad, i started to count my blessings and thanked God for all of them. I am reminded by one email my sister sent me. It was about a person's perception towards a filled bottle. Firt it was pebbles, then stones, then sand. No matter what you put in the bottle, its always filled. Through my life, I have been too bothered over the "sand" in my bottle. I saw little things as real big and get myself frustrated. One more encounter that woke me up was a talk with one of my students. She is really a nice girl. When I asked if her parents were here for the parents teacher conference, I found out that her mum was going through a 3rd operation for breast cancer. And there she was still cheerful, executing her student leader duties professionally. She was even glad that her mum will discharge on sunday, the day she will return from the sec 3 camp. Oh mine..her optimism and hope is what I greatly lack.
To add on to my blessings, today I was stress-free. Was so happy when Guan took half day to accompany me. We had a fun and wonderful short time in JB. Returned with purchases and a filled stomach.. it was like our courting days :)
Today is a fruitful day. Its the joy of realising how blessed and loved I am. But as I read this now, I'll stop to say a short pray for my student's mum. Pls remember her too in yours.

It's amazing how a real holiday can do wonders to cure depression. Few months back, some might recall that my head was buried in piles of paper and my fingers aching from constant typing. Now, I'm fresh like spring, full of joy.

Not that the papers are gone or I've resigned - although I did toy with that thought after last Sat's RECRUIT appeared brimming with lots of opportunities - holidaying is really a fresh change of perspective in life from the hustle and bustle of Singapore.

Yes, I know this feeling could be temporal - easily eroded by work stress etc. I just wish to sustain it as long as I could. Both my wishes failed yesterday - Bo Bice was knocked out and so was AC Milan - but at least I'm still on the BRIGHT side :)

I spent the whole day thoroughly upset with some salary shortfall in this month's pay. The amount of time spent on work suddenly seemed all like free labour. Before i start the whole complain cycle and rattle on about how unfair my career path has been, I think I should begin to search and see the good from the bad. At least now, I have the time to blog, to see how much my son is being appreciated by his milk mum.. managed to iron the clothes tonight. Guan is going to go to work in T shirts if nothing is ironed. This night I realised that clothes ironed with love and patience can come up pretty neat. By the 6th shirt and 45 mins, they are starting to look like some sloppy work again. Ha... Oh ya, I also managed to send out a few applications just now. Finally!! Will just have to wait and see how God directs my path.. if I should go, may he open doors for me asap. Time is running short. Yes yes.. also did the sl roster today. Its already 2 weeks late.
K in the midst of me being lost in the doldrums of work, at least a few things more meaningful things were accomplished.

I have put on 2 kg recently...can feel the chin getting longer and extra fat building up. I need a work-out. Have been wanting to play tennis with guan since I was fit for sports. This has not materialised. Intended to go for a swim in the afternoon but ended up being so angry and fed up. Hopefully I can go tomorrow. Hope the sun is bright and shining. Will also have to search for some gifts for my students. Promised about 10 students rewards if they could pass their exam. Only 2 qualify so far.. am happy for them...and good that none of them was promised the narutu. Keke!

I have been very discouraged with poor attitude from my students lately. Its just so sad to see them uninterested in everything and not wanting to shape their own future well.

Today, I realised that I possess an absolutely disgusting attitude too. Work attitude I mean. Through the 3 years of work, I complained and complained and complained. Nothing seems to be satisfying enough. It's not really the work that is that tough but that tongue of mine is too quick to blab. This is not a wise working attitude. Probably I am unable to take hardships, always feeling the need to let everything that affects me out.

I really ought to learn. Poor attitude can lead me nowhere. I really need to work on it.

I just realised that I've been using this blog too long as a complaint channel - somewhere that I can vent my frustrations, somewhere where I can write to straighten my thoughts, and sometimes, somewhere that I could share my little joys with...

Little did I realise that I should tell all these thoughts to Him. Sure He knows what I wrote, but maybe He wishes me to TELL Him personally. I don't know.

Instead of ragging on and on, maybe I should have a heart-to-heart talk with Him. A coffee session with Him is long overdue - it's time to catch up.

Everyday still disturbed by the matter if I should be signing the agreement. Its a matter that you think and ponder but do nothing about reaching a decision. It just keeps lingering in the mind as if just to stay on till choice reaches an expiry date. Teaching revealed alot of my flaws. I realised the amount of effort and love that I can put in for every individual horrible, heartless creature in school is so limited. When the traffic is simply one way, my perserverance just slowly diminishes with evey disappointment. So yes, don't ask me if I'm entering into this deep shit. I'm still very much confused.

These few days, things in school have simmered a little with the kids taking their exams. And yes, like guan mentioned, life indeed is tough but the most important think i guess is to be able to draw happiness admist the hustle and bustle. I'm trying to do lead a happier life. Am suddenly reminded by the song "mylife is in u Lord, my strength is in you Lord, my hope is in u Lord, in you its in you".

Life is tough. Same old complaint - papers are piling high, meetings are bunched up, emails seem endless, deadlines are nearing, pimples are popping out, caffeine intake increases drastically, start overeating...This feeling is too surreal.

It's during this time that I start to enjoy every minute when Jo smiles and rolls (YES, he can roll over when he's placed with his chest facing down!!), every meal I partake with Ad, every cup of Ribena (with little Vodka) "concocted" by Ad, every little thing that brings me joy...every ounce of joy matters at this time.

Is this comfort in despair? Grace in difficulties? His grace is sufficient for me, indeed. I'm grateful that the day has drawn to a close with my newfound optimism that whatever I wrote in my first paragraph would be resolved...eventually.