GuanAd's Haven

ya man, things have been good for this night. After deciding to leave my pile of work at 6.30pm, I was able to go visit jo at 6.45.. thanks to a lift from Heng. Jo was sleeping so cutely on his bed, sucking the pacifier well. When he woke up 15 mins later, he was full of smiles. So cute... after dinner, I held him by his arms and put his legs to touch the ground. This boy loves walking.. he's trying to make steps even before he can "fan". Ha..

Managed to watch jing jong ren at 9pm. pretty good show. Now I am catching amazing race. The gays got eliminated last week. What a waste, they quite nice to the old couple, who are 2nd now in 4 teams.

So things are good tonight that I can enjoy such little luxuries of the tv, managed to do some laundry too. The only thing missing is the company of Guan. Guan: [Hey, how are u?? enjoying the night scene of hongkong ya? I was deciding if i should bring work home to mark today but I remembered you and what the hag, I have to take up my mother and wife's role now. So thanks to you, I'm having a rest here. The weather is so humid and hot tonight. No aircon without you so wish u be back soon. take care.]

It could be the delayed E Coli action - the virus probably incubated and finally gone full blast (common word nowadays) after my Delhi trip. My stomach behaved like an old washing machine since yesterday and goodness, it is still going overtime today. Whatever masala left, I hope, should be in the sewers by end of today. Man, I was knocked out since Sat and spoiled what was supposed to be a splendid weekend in between my travels. URGH! And one of the Indian mangoes wasn't sweet.

So glad to see Ad + Jo after 4 days. Especially Jo, who was in top form over the weekend - talking, smiling and crying loudly. He emoted so smoothly that he could well be the next Jack Neo/Jim Carrey/Jerry Seinfeld, if he wishes to be. Like what his milk mum says, he's really "The Great Pretender".

Leaving for Hong Kong tomorrow. No masala nightmares albeit the recent news had also featured dim sum in a very bad light. Well, at minimum, I would have a splendid 10-course dinner at the awards for sure. Will poot Oreos and order for room service rest of the time.

Travelling tends to make you very disillusioned while you're in Singapore. From the splendour of Taj Mahal back to the plain-jane HDB flat could be real disheartening. Then again, the beautiful sights overseas could not compare to the smile of my cute little boy or the comforting embrace of my lovely wife. So you're stuck in a paradox...unresolved until something materialises.

Meanwhile, take care, people! Looking forward to a smashing long weekend. And please do join us for the conclusion of "God's Workman" theme - the godmum of Jo better turn up after all she wrote on our tagboard.

This is the third time i am attempting to update my blog. I fell sleep before the com on the past two tries. This week has been a totally shack week. After "tonging" for the past month, my body has to finally surrender to the flu virus. My body's aching all over and I fall asleep at any chance if there is, as if i am truly short of rest. Yes indeed, no rest. My life's been busy little here little there.Busy over teeny winy details that no one appreciates. I really need this mc today though marking resumes and tons of household chores await me to complete.

Guan:
Am glad you are surviving in delhi. Hopefully no stomach upsets. So sorry I couldn't talk much on the phone the past 2 nights. Jo's fine and smiling. I just saw him this morning. He's going to buffet with your mum and grandma. What good life! U sure miss him. Thank God you are coming back tomorrow.

I have to get well before friday. Otherwise jo can't come back. Pray for me.
Need a nap now. u take care.

This is a start of a very tough week when firstly, I am in New Delhi until Friday - and my calendar are already fully packed with meetings. There is no time for Taj Mahal, which is 5 hours away from the city. There is only time for work and blogging, I guess (it's $20US for a full day broadband wireless connection - better capitalise fully).

Missing Jo and Ad terribly, and not certain whether I can survive the masala meals and all without suffering stomach upsets. Even mineral water is advised for brushing teeth...tell me about it. I may as well bath in milk.

Thankfully, I will be back for the weekend until Tuesday before I fly again to Hong Kong next week. Then it will be a well-deserved labour day long weekend. Yay! Can't wait till then. Guys - no time to book chalet lah. So, Sengkang Palace knows what to do hor.

Meanwhile, all those that are having exams - study hard!

Ad - think of me, think of me fondly when you said goodnight! Well, understand that there are a LOT of sports factory outlets like Adidas around my hotel. Should be dirt cheap. Guess it was bad timing for you to buy NB at Queensway yesterday...sadness. Anyway, will try to poot 1 sari for you. Tell Jo that daddy misses his smile every morning and his cries every night.

In my brief time with Ad yesterday night - I realised that the total time I spent with her totalled less than 5 hrs - she asked me the titled question. Now, Ad always had exciting stories to tell me amidst her complaints about the incredulously irritating students she handled every day. You just have to separate the wheat from the chaff sometimes.

Well, this time, it was that one of her colleague teachers is going to leave service and be a missionary teacher i.e. go to 3rd World countries to spread gospel and be a teacher. Apparently, this teacher had, after her O levels, wanted to serve the Lord full time but her pastor uncle (who was the one that passed away because of SARS) had asked her to study further so that she could be more equipped to serve in future.

Ad and I reflected for a few seconds while eating fishball noodles and ice jelly. Amidst the hustle and bustle we experienced everyday, deep in our hearts, we know we are totally unsatisfied with the lives we're living. Well, it could be partly due to discontentment - Ad had been reiterating her rhetoric for umpteen times that "Life is meaningless" - but ultimating it boiled down to this: we don't know what we really want.

I'm not too keen on the Purpose Driven Life - honestly, I find that it's just another book that tells you what you'd already know, nothing inspiring. I mean, I already know that I have a purpose, but after 26 years and 7 months, I'm still pretty clueless on what I really want to do. I realised that after all, I'm not really like Jacob - this guy really knew what he wanted.

Ok, off and on, you talk to friends/colleagues about the Lord and try to serve in whatever capacity you can on Sat/Sun. Can that be my purpose? Not that I'm underwhelmed about what I'm doing now but hey, is this just my purpose - nothing else?

Just last year after Jonathan Pong came to Singapore, David Hung jested that we should set a goal 2010 ala the Singapore soccer campaign - where we would go China to spread the gospel, just like what Jon Pong did. I'm pretty thrilled by the idea - I looked at what Edwin/Mary are doing and something kept challenging me - are you doing enough for the Lord?

I think and I feel that I should do some mission work, at least in my entire lifetime. I do think it adds more meaning to merely serving/attending church camps. Not for personal gratification really but to lift my existing 1-dimensional spiritual life, which is very unfulfilling.

I would really like to embark on the goal 2010 and perhaps serve for 2 weeks as a start. Anyone interested to join me, please let me know. Perhaps my lovely wife can support me in this plan - we might even beat the 5 hours we meet every week while serving the Lord.

I have finally found the opportunity to blog, choosing to put aside loads of marking that are long overdue. These three weeks back at work is simply crap. Suddenly in the midst of busyness, I have lost interest in almost everything. Time seems to be passing on before I can stop to breathe and relax. At a glance, I found myself questioning my purpose here. God seems far i everything.

Today I received my offer letter from NIE. I am caught in a tricky situation here. The truth is I don't know what I want. I have no goal in life, I don't yearn for anything and yet I can't stay focus on the spiritual goals God's child should have. I complain, I feel horrid and I go crazy. Can't stand myself.. I need to find back my directions.

Anyway, reading some blogs cheered me up a little. At least I know that God's working in their lives. How about mine? Lord, reveal thyself and uplift me to greater heights.

How do we bear if you don't share?
How do we know if you don't tell?
How do we cheer if you don't talk?
How do we grieve if you don't say？

Communication is extremely lacking among all of us these days. We don't have a sharing life. Oh, it might be personal, it might be difficult to share...but unless you say it out, the ice won't be broken, the bonds remain weak, the ties are nothing but acquintances we see every Sunday, just like every other day. And we are merely make-believing, play-acting that we are a bunch of brothers and sisters who love one another just by singing "A Common Love". We are all selfish creatures - on one hand, we lament the lack of understanding on the other party, yet we ourselves do not provide the information for people to understand! We don't meet week in, week out like checking into each other's hotels, do we?

We need to talk, we need to share each other's burdens. We need to intercede for one another. We need to come as one to the Lord. We can't function without one another. We need to pray for one another.

I haven't felt so down for quite some time already. It could be the perpetual lack of sleep, the avalanche of work that's piling up, or the refusal to spend some time to straighten my thoughts - fearing that every idle second I spent could be used for better purposes. I felt high-strung, exhausted.

I don't know why. I suddenly placed a lot of emphasis on what I DO instead of what He wants me to do. I want to work - I need to finish this presentation, I want to complete this management report, I want to send this email before I leave office, I want to join in this meeting...I want to, I want to...everything is I, I, I. But as it turned out, everything simply collapsed. I couldn't complete any report, I never had worse presentations, my email is choking up...this week just passed like a flash and on hindsight, I did nothing much! I felt pathetic. I made a lot of promises I couldn't keep, I felt time just slipped off my fingers like water. I felt retarded compared to my peers. I lost the quality of life. I felt like a piece of crap.

Lord, please have mercy on me. Please clarify my vision again. I feel lost, I feel afraid, I feel useless, I lost the joy, and I'm back in the rat race again. I told you so many times that I didn't want my life to be mired in the world, but yet again, I slipped. I wrenched myself out of your loving hands, thinking that I could strike out on my own - but I was so wrong. I am so wrong, Lord. I've strayed too far away from you. Sorry, please bring me back to you. Please take first place in everything I do.