GuanAd's Haven

When no one sees or reads, it's relief indeed...!

2012-01-28T02:48:00.002+08:00

Bored in Moscow and reminded of my favourite lyrics:

Fleetwood Mac/SP/Landslide: "Can I handle the seasons of my life?"

Killers/Smile like you mean it: "Smile like you mean it!"

Killers/Why Do I keep counting: "Help me get down! I can make it! Help me get down!"

The Smiths/There's a light that never goes out: "...to die by your side, well the pleasure, the privilege is mine!"

Cure/Letter to Elise: "And every time I try, to pick it up like falling sand, as soon as I pick it up, it runs away through my clutching hands."

Faith(less)

2010-05-28T04:26:00.002+08:00

Please make me believe that i can keep up to my promises, and to have the faith that no matter what happens, i know for sure that you are with me.

When in Rome, do what the Romans do

2010-03-07T05:13:00.002+08:00

Walk
Visit churches - St Peter Basilica and all
Visit piazzas - Navona Square and all
Eat pastas, pizzas
Marvel at historical architecture - Colosseo, Foro Romano and all

And do this everyday...consider spending eternity in Eternal Rome...

2010

2010-01-27T10:22:00.002+08:00

It's not about me...as if You should do things my way, You alone are God and I surrender to Your ways.

www.fullofmanna.wordpress.com

2009

2009-12-29T20:07:00.003+08:00

Some reflected that the past 10 years had been a decade in hell, I thought there was a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel.

Not that I see half-glass-full while others see otherwise, but I really think the darkest night is signaling dawn will arrive soon.

Interesting to know this blog had existed for 5 years...things have changed. People around me have changed, goals turned disparate, circumstances became different, but thank God, He's constant.

Indeed, the only certainty about life is uncertainty, yet the certainty about God is certainty. He is the "I AM" -- neither past nor future tenses, only present tense. But therein lies my faith regardless of which year it is...that He's always PRESENT in my life.

I wish the same to whoever that reads this as well...that God be PRESENT always in your new year, and many years ahead.

Where is the REST?

2009-05-30T18:01:00.002+08:00

I'm not sure if you're sometimes feeling as jaded as I do. The past 5 months were anything but a smooth ride. I'm trying to look for rest. When was the last time you felt you had a good rest? Was it when:
- you had a good massage?
- you played the guitar for a personal jam time?
- you stoned in front of the TV finishing off the last episode of a 30-part serial all in one day?
- you had a satisfying weekend buffet?
- you listened to an uplifting sermon in church?

Or are the above all mis-directed ways of finding rest when there's actually something else?

What is rest?
where is true rest?
Why can't we find real rest?
How? How? How?

10 Highlights of 2008

2008-12-31T15:07:00.004+08:00

1. Climbed up Effel Tower after experiencing 5 days of snow in Montreal, Canada
2. Admitted into AoC
3. Climbed up Huangshan with my dad amidst a 7-day China tour
4. Served in junior camp after a hiatus of 7 years
5. Watched the inaugural F1 race from the grandstand suite
6. Saw the tranquil Sun Moon Lake with Ad in Taipei
7. Rode the Sentosa luge with Jo
8. Made a wish come true by buying a Wish
9. Sold the 777 house, which has been a blessing for our family
10. Started blog to chronicle my spiritual gleanings: www.fullofmanna.wordpress.com

Hopefully, 明年会更好!

And I still haven't found what I'm looking for

2008-12-14T12:38:00.003+08:00

I'm now in Hong Kong Airport, wandering aimlessly after visiting the skymart and waiting to board the plane.

Xmas is coming. Ad has set out her wishlist. I'm not that troublesome, I tried not to bother you guys and hence I tried to look for something I really wanted in HK. Alas, I'm out of luck.

If you do come across a cheap yet classy looking tea set, please get that for me for xmas.

xmas wish list

2008-12-03T12:07:00.002+08:00

Here are some things I've got to get:

For myself
- plain black flat shoes $19.90
- handphone pouch with zip compartments $6.90

For the family
- queen size yellow/green plain fitted sheet $??
- single bed sheets from Aussino
- school bag for Jadon

Can only think of these so far..

The Killers are out !!!

2008-11-26T01:01:00.003+08:00

Amid the gloom, the silver lining is that the Killers' third studio album is finally out. And with such an apt title: Day and Age.

Just hope it won't turn out as experimental like Portishead's third album, or other third-album-flops like Oasis' third album, Jay Chou's third album (and the list goes on).

Here is an totally off-tangent development, I will try to kickstart a new blog in 2009 to chronicle my learnings in AOC/BS/SS/MM. Hopefully it'd be a channel of blessing for some. (Saying this after commenting about music seems strange but such is my diverse life)

will keep everyone updated.

This Blog is Dead

2008-10-16T01:08:00.003+08:00

The past few weeks are bad, real bad, as bad as the stock markets. There was no time to sleep, no time to s**t properly as phone calls, emails and agendas clouded my life. I had no life. I am an under-performing dad and husband. If there is a family financial market, I am a junk bond. This blog is dead! So much for the first 1 month post-30!

My wife: why are you working so hard for?

My response:......

I couldn't come up with a sensible answer. Indeed, my other priorities are sidelined. I need to re-think my priorities. Funny why you thought you already went through some thinking already and these issues resurfaced again. It's a vicious cycle! History repeats itself! (Just like the stock markets. It's irrational indeed.)

Brain dead

2008-08-28T22:30:00.002+08:00

Did my GMAT this morning. It was an excruciating 4 hrs at International Plaza. Never thought so lightly of an expensive test before - just did 2 free online practice tests and went for it (bought a book but didn't really use it). Well, the unofficial result wasn't that bad: 85 percentile, 5% short of my target (no more LBS or Wharton MBA, I guess). My wife just chided me that I always lament I could do better if I had worked harder. Fact is, I'm really a lazy bum and could never have worked any harder. So yes, I'm lamenting on a moot point.

After feeling brain dead, I thought I could resuscitate myself by buying an ipod at comex. Horror of horrors! All the carparks were jam packed at 1pm on a weekday. Are Singaporeans too rich or too free or both? Think I'd just settle at epicentre instead of jostling with the crowd.

30 years is the inflexion point

2008-08-16T01:56:00.002+08:00

I struggled a bit to know that I'm turning 30 soon. I felt my behaviour changed quite drastically as it comes closer.

For instance, I'm old-school when it comes to music - I need a physical CD. I abhor MP3s, all this burning, ripping etc. Out of the blue, I'm trying to rip all my current CDs into MP3s now (a mammoth task neverthless)! What's become of me?

I'm also pondering what books to throw, what clothes to give salvation army, which bowling balls to sell or give away etc. I just felt that I needed simplicity. I realised diversity is not me - I must factorise everything into a neat equation.

Ha, even my taste for movies seems to be counter-"critics" nowadays e.g. critics slammed Jack Neo's movie, Money No Enough 2. But I thought the movie was pretty good and I could relate to the issues highlighted in the show. Critics loved the red cliff, but it was to me...plain vanilla with a "dong-dong-hee" Zhuge Liang that is both laughable and detestable at the same time.

Yes, changes, changes, changes. Changes to preferences, outlook in life and way of living. Reaching 30 years inadvertently brought about that change, for better or worse.

Eclectic thoughts 2 months before turning 30

2008-07-03T19:43:00.004+08:00

Give me the humility to lose graciously, and the grace to win humbly...cut away my competitive nature, and strip away my hypocrisy henceforth.

"I will sing, i will praise, even in my darkest hour, through the sorrow and the pain"(D Moen)...bad times, though the fig tree does not blossom, though I'm in the deepest pain, yet I must rejoice in You, just on the basis that You saved me suffices as a reason to rejoice, just on the basis that You're faithful even though I'm faithless.

According to Socratic wisdom, to think you know when you don't actually know, that's foolishness...and I must surely be a big fool by this definition. But there's one thing I know what I know, and that is You died for me, a recalcitrant sinner, on the cross.

I feel like I'm in the shadow of the valley of death - in "a job that slowly kills you, bruises that won't heal" (Radiohead). I need to breathe. Please help me breathe.

Sour Times

2008-06-09T18:21:00.002+08:00

I helplessly watched the earth spun 5 rounds on its axis. I was a washout - bedridden by an unknown virus and on the verge of being hospitalised for dengue.

I went through countless perspiration sessions after consuming dozens of paracetemol, only to see the virus wrecking more havoc after each session. The thermometer replaced my mobile phone as the gadget I depended most, as I looked to it for any possible repreive but much to my disappointment each time.

I felt like a beached whale. I couldn't do anything. I just watched the world went by and hoped for divine intervention that I could recover.

And through it all, my wife and kids stood by me. my parents and in-law stood by me. I thought I was near death when I hit 40 deg on Sat. I thought I would lose them all. And it's through these sour times that I felt they were my best possessions.

The fever came down today. Finally. (Albeit somehow the virus seemed to rear its head everytime I wanted to declare I'm OK.) And I hope the blood test would turn out well.

And to my beloved wife - thanks for nursing me in my darkest hour. thanks for giving me courage when I was most afraid. "Cos nobody loves me, it's true. Not like you do."

I want a familiar tune, or don't I?

2008-05-01T23:34:00.003+08:00

I've mixed feelings about Portishead's Third.

To say it's deliberately experimental would be an understatement - the album is anything but the last 2 albums. After 11 years (don't count NYC), and 3 days of frantic hunting, I was a bit underwhelmed notwithstanding Beth's voice and somehow, it sounded quite similar to Radiohead...

Yet, on hindsight, if Portishead remains as it is and keeps churning sounds like Glory Box and Sour Times, then wouldn't it be a let-down too (read: JC and his similar tunes which IMHO are just ad-naseum replications of Fantasy)?

Yes, as much as we want familiarity, some things are simply better off as memories instead.

Fervent Fire - Still Burning?

2008-04-25T22:03:00.005+08:00

It'd seem that my view of WT's work is really pessimistic --> check under frequented blog [church youths].

We build, we neglect and ultimately it's lost. The not-so-distant sounds of CF ring a familiar tone.

No matter how much zeal we have, no matter how young we are, if something's made by human hands alone, it's doomed to fail. Only His hands alone own consistency.

Prove me wrong, WT.

Prove to me that I'm a downright pessimist in need of a perspective - a miracle.

Prove to me that I'm just a bickering critic that ought to do something and see for myself how difficult it is.

Prove to me that there's still some fire, no matter how small the flame is, among us.

Prove me wrong, WT.

Portishead's Third

2008-04-25T21:57:00.002+08:00

I've no choice but to break the rule after 4 months and 25 days...

I've got to buy Portishead's Third...

It was a good reason to break the rule...

11 years since NYC Live...

I think the floodgates may open...but who cares?

Happy birthday

2008-04-18T16:27:00.003+08:00

I think of your cooking when I see food that you have cooked
I remember going marketing with our 'mercedes' and breakfast at chinatown
I will not forget how you were concerned that I will be in good care
Happy birthday Pa.

Zendagi Migzara

2008-04-15T16:50:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, I attended an internal career development course, of which my essential takeaway is that I manage my career. As the proverbial saying goes in my ex-company: no one owes you a living.

Today, feeling inspired and waking up to a bad cold and Jadon's bad cough (bronchitis was the diagnosis) , I stayed home, knowing that I owe no one a living either (or perhaps I do but Adeline could take care of the family, I guess).

Yes, I digress. I stayed home and spent some hours reading The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. It was worth it - the perspectives on father/son relationships, friendships, courage/cowardice, sin/atonement, God and Zendagi Migzara (life goes on, in Arabic) because of the people around us.

I'm proud to be a son to my father, and a father to 2 sons. Life is meaningless without the relationships around us. If life is preoccupied about work, then it's not worth living indeed - and really, no one owes anyone any living. We all owe it to God.

Neither here nor there

2008-02-15T10:56:00.002+08:00

It's been 1 month since the T3 shift work ends and in less than 30 days, so many things had happened:

Firstly, there's no more overseas deployment. No more talks of Middle East, no more new developments in sending friends and loved ones into a frenzy. No more reading up of Lonely Planet etc. On the outside, it may appear to be smokescreen, a hyperbole to many but honestly, these past 4 months since receiving news of a possible - and consequently, probable - overseas deployment was really a difficult experience. People asked why suddenly I'm not going - I can only say it was my mum's hard-fought prayers with the Lord that I remain in Singapore(at least for this year).

Next, I may be heading another unit - no more in charge of T1 and BT. Another tough experience - going? not going? Everyone seems to know except me. I was really at the end of my patience...I was told in verbatim "uncertainty is the only certainty". 5 wise words which I'll bear in mind. In between, I attended 2 wakes of my demised work contacts, which left a deep impression on me.

Truth is...I was neither here nor there and it's really difficult to bear during these times of silence. Praying but never received answers, knocking but no doors were opened, seeking but all roads were blocked.

Different people have different measures of trial and mine is waiting. Waiting amidst all the questions thrown at me and my family - both cynical and true concerns, which frankly I can't discern as well. Makes me feel sometimes it's better not to tell everything. Waiting for my fate and it's a big, big distraction.

Boy have I grown through this tough experience! Hopefully, the dusts of uncertainty will settle to reveal a clearer picture for the reminder of this year. I wish that you have this clarity as well.

Contrasting Fortunes

2008-01-10T10:46:00.000+08:00

I've been busy with T3, wasn't really at home the past 3 days and I thought my kids would have believed I was overseas.

Yesterday, after T3 kicked off, I finally had a chance to eat dinner with my kids. I asked Jotham what he did in school. He blew us off in laughter with this candid answer:

"eat play lor, eat play sleep, eat play sleep lor" in typical jo-singlish.

A 3-year old's innocence just sunk a 30-year old's weariness into the ocean.

Highlights of 2007

2007-12-31T00:26:00.000+08:00

Last 24 hours before 2008 kicks in. Better treasure what's left of this year when I'm still sub-30:

1. Climbed the Mexicans Pyramids (Pyramid de Sol and Pyramid de Luna). A conference trip led to unbelievable sight-seeing in the largest city in the world. A whole new perspective. The 26-hour flight was totally worth it.

2. Visited Shangri-la. The temples, the people, the air (or lack of it), the hospitality...the sheer knowledge of you stepping onto this famed destination is...priceless.

3. Grandma passed away. One of the 3 key women in my life, one of the strongest women I've even seen, one of the most faithful Christians standing firm in the Lord's word. "Jesus bid us shine...you in your small corner and I in mine." - Her light shines forth still in my darkest nights.

4. Bowling a memorable 244 at Yishun Safra, 231 at Orchid Country Club, winning a silver on behalf of my organisation...who dare says I wasted money on the balls sitting in the boot of my car? I hope the best is yet to come

5. Running the SC half-marathon. 1st attempt. Did it in 3 hours. The pain was terrible, the experience at the finishing line...inexplicable

6. 1st overseas trip with Jo (and Ad) at Bintan. Jo cried when he saw an elephant stepping over me in one of the shows. The beaches, the funny ping-pong games, taking the speedboat to the mangroves...we loved them all

7. Getting promoted...yet there's much confusion and anticipation at this juncture of my career, which is inadvertently tied to my personal and family life. But "count your blessings, name them 1 by 1." the Lord will lead, as he has always done so

30 years old - here I come!

What He Wants

2007-12-02T17:35:00.000+08:00

My wife suggested that I better blog down what I want, as I understand this predicament on what to buy for men during Christmas, and in particular, me.

5 items sub-$30:

1. Zara Olive Green Tee XXL $16.90 [taken]
2. Zara Black Tee XXL $16.90 [taken]
3. 7 pairs of M&S black socks $25 [taken]
4. N73 Car charger $25
5. Phillips earphones SHS8000 $29

Resolution Vs Reality

2007-11-18T19:48:00.000+08:00

Just weeks after putting up my resolutions, reality sets in. Among them, I have chosen to forget these 3:

(3) I would rather eat to live than live to eat
[Failed: Numerous restaurant escapades later, I realised the "live to eat" mantra is innate and it would be counter-nature to practise otherwise. It doesn't help that cousin Yun just gave us all a book on "Live to Eat". My resolution is totally destroyed.]

(5) I would rather have the embrace of my wife and kids than to watch BPL every Sat
[Failed: BPL is still attractive with Spurs changing manager and climbing up the league. And yes, we are still paying cut-throat rates to enjoy VV and BPL.]

(7) I would rather focus on bowling than to pretend that I'm good in golf
[Failed: I've just purchased a golf set "in retaliation" to Ad's packages. I want to be equally good in golf and bowling]

Well, the other 5 resolutions remain intact and will be carried through 2008.

Totally disgusted!

2007-11-12T15:21:00.001+08:00

I received a horrible letter today only to be disgusted by the untruthfulness of some man on earth. The lawyer's letter from the other party regarding the car accident was totally wrong. How can some people distort truth in order to save some $200. After the accident, the other party call some Gary guy.. offered to pay $800 for our damages and apologised for his error. Our workshop's quote was $1000 and he refused to pay damages after causing so much hassle for us. Now, he has suddenly turned the tables on us and reported a different story. I feel like calling to question him. What jerk and irresponsible man you are!

I have in these years seen some ugly people whom i think are selfish and pyhscotic to an unbelievable extent. May God deal with them.

My Wants

2007-10-29T10:10:00.000+08:00

These are some things I would like to have.

1)Jo Lo's perfume 'Still'
2)A black bag
3)A white/gold/silver leather belt watch that is funky for casual wear

I have already eyed on these products. Will wait for the cash to come in. Ironically straight after this, I have to start budgetting how to pay off my debts of signing the beauty package and 1 day splurge last friday. The above list has to stop.

Lost and found

2007-10-29T09:47:00.000+08:00

I am back. After a whole long year of MIA from the blog, I finally asked my dear hubby how to start posting again after they changed the form and stuff. So as many are starting to reflect on their year and pen down resolutions.. life has been same o same o for me. Time to take stock.

Accomplishments
1) Passed my 3A driving test on 6 sept 2007
- This has to be the most joyful of all although a fair amount of 'suayness' with cars did follow suit

2) Brought 4 classes through 2007. Results were quite satisfying for 2 classes. Will be sad not to bring them up for their O's next year though.. my only regret if I have to leave.

Underconstruction
1) Trying to lead a cool healthy lifestyle with frequent visits to True Yoga under cheapskate free pass 1 month trial.
-The month is almost coming to an end. Wonder how long my enthusiasim for exercise will last.

2)Will try to read up at least 2 books this holiday.

3) I need to put up the children's pictures. Guan has been chasing me to do it.

Hopefully this holiday will be well spent. I am grateful for it.

Picking Up the Pieces

2007-10-26T12:44:00.000+08:00

My life has been pretty broken over the past few months. Everyday is chaos. Everyone you meet seems to have a hidden agenda. Quiet time was so distant away. The limited time spent in church didn't really help. The saving grace was my family - I'm still in one piece because of them.

Went through some thinking this morning and I came to a few resolutions:

(1) I would rather be faithful everyday with God (even if it's for half an hour) then to hype myself up when someone comes to town to speak

(2) I would rather quit my job than to live behind a mask everyday

(3) I would rather eat to live than live to eat

(4) I would rather live within my means than to work my ass off for something that won't last to eternity

(5) I would rather have the embrace of my wife and kids than to watch BPL every Sat

(6) I would rather study languages than to pick up piano

(7) I would rather focus on bowling than to pretend that I'm good in golf

(8) I would rather see see and remember, do and understand than to hear and forget

It's time to pick up the pieces.

Give me a reason

2007-08-13T15:22:00.000+08:00

The past weekend unlocked several secrets, spawned many anxieties and it wears me out (to the extent that I took leave today). Oh, how our lives have become so complicated that we fail to see the big picture.

I'm tired. My eyes are blind. Remind me THE reason to live.

Cryptic

2007-08-01T19:44:00.000+08:00

Some dear cousins of mine asked me about my strange posting below. I had - the week before during a underwhelming japanese buffet dinner - told them it was D-day last Tuesday given the salary adjustment briefing. I didn't give a clear explanation over the weekend. And I think I better clear the air.

Yes, I'm promoted. Am I thankful? Certainly. Am I happier? Maybe. Am I satisfied with my life more? NO!

If you read two postings further down, you'll know it's not the July Effect that bogged me down the past few weeks. As fishaball-turned-melancholicjoy pointed out, it could be me tired of work. My dear wife and I now realised that we're too shacked - we're literally working 7 days a week, either in office/school or taking care of our kids. And crap hit the roof just yesterday.

Some young S-O-A-B driving a black mitsubishi Lancer [SGT 8***] pointed the you-know-what finger at me in the carpark. I stared at him for 10 seconds. I contemplated bringing down two of my bowling balls to smash his bloody windscreen. But since he didn't have the guts to come out of the car, I drove off instead. Enough said, that sufficed to ruin my night's out with my wife. While having dinner, I was still thinking if I should go back to scratch his car. Or write to stomp after I smashed his car with my bowling balls. Or called up TP...WTH!

So you see, life after some fleeting joyous moments is tough. Well said Solomon, there's a time for everything. Perhaps I will treat my dear cousins an overwhelming japanese dinner to start things right. And to sit before God and count my blessings in these times of distress.

When You Get It, You Don't Want It

2007-07-27T11:42:00.000+08:00

This week has been kind of topsy turvy, with everyone's eyes on the July Effect. The anticipation, the euphoria and the apathy thereafter was amazingly swift.

The wait was certainly excruciating. The briefing prior to the release didn't help.

Then the call came. When you got it, you felt numb and euphoric at the same time. You felt incredibly thankful and unsure of what exactly to do with it.

Then everything started crashing to the floor two days thereafter - when you know who got it and who didn't - and you started to ask why and how. The thankfulness and joy suddenly evaporated. The responsibilities and uncertainty started weighing in. You began to ask - what if I didn't get it...

When you don't have it, you yearn for it
When you get it, you don't want it

The paradox of a modern salaried worker...
One of the many scrambling rats in a race...
how wretched you are!

I'm Just Uptight

2007-07-19T16:20:00.000+08:00

According to my wife, my behaviour has been strange of late. I wake up like a zombie and I come home like a zombie. In between, the 14 hours or so, I'm also not sure what I'm really doing - so maybe I'm really a zombie these days.

I woke up at 8 am in the morning to check emails on a saturday. I worked until 2 am to send something on Friday, which was actually due the following Monday. My wife said it's the July effect, the period where increments/promotions are announced. She thinks I need to justify that I'm worth it, thus I'm behaving like this.

I don't know but I don't really think it's the July effect. Truth is I'm just uptight. I'm grasping with something I'm not really familiar. Truth is I'm struggling with routine. Truth is I'm not really happy in between the 14 hours or so. Even if the July effect comes true, would I be any happier? I'm not so sure.

I'm just uptight. I'm so out-of-sync with my environment. I sometimes felt I'm burning up on both ends.

When someone says "don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about", yes I can agree - mine is a messed-up journey at this juncture.

I think God can explain my situation now, but truth is, I'm just too uptight to listen.

One-hit Wonder

2007-06-04T10:31:00.000+08:00

Lately, I've been thinking if my life is like one of those one-hit wonder musicians - you know those that diminished after one album's fame, those that showed high potential but never really lived it up, those that basked in past glory but couldn't steer forward. Can't help but think if I'm like this too - both academically and in my career now.

On a separate note, I think through some of the best sophomore albums in my memory and the top 5 sophomore albums (viz not one-hit wonders) are as follows.

1. Jay Chou's Fantasy
His second is the epic following a cool debut eponymous album - the rest thereafter are just IMHO pure remixes based on Fantasy (frankly I can't hear a distinctive tune in the rest of the albums). With ninjas, nunchakus etc, the album always reminds me of cold Melbourne, huddling for warmth in Calvin Chua's car to Jay Chou's Fantasy, and a 2-week grad trip 5 years ago which seemed now 50 light-years ago. Defining album which defined a part of my life.

2. Oasis' What's the Story (Morning Glory)?
Admittedly, the first album (Definitely Maybe..cool oxymoron)was much better. The second was incoherent and what's with that "We're bigger than God?" comment? But who can forget the tunes of "Wonderwall", "Don't Look Back in Anger" and "Champagne Supernova" (even though we hardly understand what the heck the lyrics meant)? Those JC days...brit cool was in, apathy ruled, budding romances that didn't work out, and studying seemed so irrelevant at all...those dangerous days of being wild. Listening to the album is like sipping a 10-year old Claret at night and waking up to morning glory (no pun intended).

3. The Killers' Sam's Town
One would expect a weaker response following its commercially successful first album (Hot Fuss) but they proved me wrong. Sam's Town is loud, cogent, impactful and reflects my current state of life: "aggressively, we all defend the roles we play". Can't help but reiterate the review magazines' favourite cliche: "the Killers killed all sceptics..." Indeed, the Killers is one of the strongest bands that has emerged in recent years together with Franz Ferdinand. And you know what, the band's name is taken from a New Order MTV. I love New Order and therefore I love the Killers, as cliched as the name may be.

4. The Smashing Pumpkins' Siamese Dream
Admittedly, I bought SP's third album "Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness" first. But Siamese Dream had a larger impact on me. I played "Today" when I received my A-level results. Despite apathy (see point 2 above), I made it to University by God's grace. But in retrospect, I didn'think so much about God then. I thought more about emulating Billy Corgan (by shaving my head although I told my mum that it was a barber malfunction) and his dual-toned voice. Who can forget Soma and Mayonnaise? "Fool enough to almost be it, cool enough to not quite see it". Alternative rock at its best. Siamese Dream was ground breaking for SP's career, as well as my life.

5. Radiohead's The Bends
Their third (OK Computer) is the Best Album ever, I solemnly agree. But The Bends was definitely a sign of things to come. No one ever comes close to Radiohead in the ways that they could express creative energy in such cool melancholic fashion. Look beyond their commercially successful hits (viz High and Dry) and you'll empathised with their writings and moved by the music (experimental sometimes as it may be). I felt this band's never faked it. It's a pity Radiohead's in recluse now. More doses of melancholy will be handy at this juncture of my life.

p/s: not forgeting Portishead, Franz Ferdinand, Annie Lennox, Stephanie Sun, all of which who had excellent sophomore efforts, but it wears me out writing about these things.

Ranting Overdue

2007-03-20T15:31:00.000+08:00

The past 3 months has been sort of a whirlwind. Business travel, work, CNY, more business travel and a quarter of 2007 is gone! In between, we went to the Hospital of Life - Gleneagles, twice - and the Hospital of Gloom - at the fringe of town, numerous times - because of my grandmum. I came to formulate this theory that your life actually accelerates when you're getting older. Does that make me an Einstein?

I fear my working life has slipped into a routine. Even bowling has somehow lost its lustre on me. When you wake up dreading what's going to happen at the next 5 meetings ahead in the day...when you sleep thinking what's going to happen at the 5 meetings the next day...is there any end to this? Argh! Ad nauseum!

Thankfully, my two adorable boys helped break the routine with their unpredictable temperament and decisions on what (tidbits) to eat and where to sleep at night - daddy/mummy's house or grandma/granddad's house? They live for such decisions. I hope I could too.

Yet, it's that exciting time of the year when (a) I'd be expecting the piece of paper for the work I put in last year, (b) I'm supposed to transfer to another division but the current state of affairs is still in a flux, (c) I'm supposed to share the gospel on 8 Apr.

Exciting times yet routinely at work! What paradox!

Speaking about gospel and paradox, I read a ST article on R Dawkins' book, the God Delusion. He's an Oxford biologist, an atheist who debunks religion/faith with his scientific views. This reminds me of Einstein's famous quote that "science with religion is lame and religion without science is blind". Being lame or blind - which is the greater evil? I don't know but at least I'm dead sure Jesus "makes the lame to walk again and cause the blind to see".

A paradoxical life at this juncture calls for some verbal - or literal - vomit as per above, so please pardon me while I detox-ed.

Into the last days of holis and 2006

2006-12-28T15:02:00.000+08:00

Once again the holidays have went by so quickly and here is a time to take stock of the days spent. I set out in the second half of the year to start or accomplish these things.
1) learn finger tip hook bowling
2) learn driving
3) Read shepherding a child
Of which the most sucessful being bowling. Thanks to Guan's perserverance to pursue his interest. I had only two driving lessons up to date but will ensure it remains a continuous affair till the test date in May. As for reading, two chapters is a poor progress but nonetheless, I will carry it in my bag until it has been read.

Of course there are other stuff:

work
- finished and printed a resource package
- did a GB stock take

Family
- had Jadon home almost every night. This boy is a babe! You wont believe but it feels quite happy to bathe them every morning. Jo is quite toilet trained now, a remarkable progress.

Personal
- spend most time shopping for xmas gifts which i hope all is happy with their gifts.
- watched war and beauty. (really sad show about the Forbidden city and a story of true love and sacrifice)

Its a break well spent. Looking ahead, its time to set goals and change focus for the year 2007 ahead.

Time may not stop to wait for me but to manage it is a matter of choice. Hope you had a Great Time.

What i learnt from Jo.

2006-12-14T23:54:00.000+08:00

Blogging has not been on my mind the last two months. Tonight as Jotham takes on his role to be the Man of the house, it is customary for me to blog again.

Our family has been to TTS frequently to visit guan's grandma. Her condition is poor.

Jo was watching mouse hunt this morning, "mouse die already.. sleeping". I was pretty shocked to hear him use the "die" word. This is my first time hearing from him. Yet, this boy associated it with "sleeping". Indeed this is so true for christians. Death is merely a period of sleep. The Lord will rise them up on his coming again. I held this principle close when my dad passed away in july. I will see him again.

To my hubby and cousins, let us all take comfort that God has his plans for our faithful Grandma.
"...His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches over me"

Not So Life-Changing After All

2006-11-24T11:26:00.000+08:00

"Aggressively, we all defend the role we play
Regrettably, time's come to send you on your way..."

~ the Killers' Exitlude

The past month was fraught with sickness, bowling and work complications. Busy trying to defend aggressively the multi-roles I play at different facets of my life. It's not so life-changing after all (see preceding post).

My dear cousin Yun said at last gathering that we don't have a choice when it comes to working late. My dear cousin Bernard said he left work in time with spares to listen to MP3 sermons. Do we have a choice? Or do we already pre-choose what we want from our lives?

I've been thinking about my career recently - choices of rotation vs chances of promotion etc and it's getting me all fussed up. Do I have a choice? Or has "time come to send me on my way"?

I look to my bowling to vent my frustrations, my wife/children to ease my heartaches and my God to indeed send me on my way so that I don't need to think so much.

A Life-Changing Weekend

2006-10-27T10:17:00.000+08:00

C Chen spoke consecutively on 4 occasions over the Deepavali/HRP weekend concerning the Kingdom of Heaven.

While I only managed to attend half of the sessions, it was at the ending prayer on the first session that I translated for Brother Chen which gripped me - that we'd have a life-changing weekend.

The thought is interesting. Am I merely chasing after a hype - a spiritual high - which would subside and life goes on? Am I like one of those mentioned in the Gospel who followed Jesus and fell away after He called for disciples? Has my life changed as a result? Am I too easy on myself?

Brother Chen also mentioned about brethren in Hong Kong and Taipei reading the Bible for 20-50 times. I believe they are not academics but ordinary folks wanting and thirsting after the Lord. Exemplary standards to follow indeed! Funny why I'm so hard on myself at work but not in following the Lord.

Last weekend was a good reflection, a time to take stock and a desperate need to rise up and follow Him.

Birthday Thoughts

2006-09-27T15:31:00.000+08:00

New Order articulated my birthday wish this morning when I travelled to work:

"Don't wanna have to work like other people do
I wanted to be free
I wanted to be true"

28 years. Old man indeed.

Ran 2 km in over 20 minutes. Twice the time of what I did 10 years ago.
Struggled to do 30 situps in 1 min. Half of what I did 10 years ago.

Am celebrating my birthday with my work today. 10 years ago, I received a Zippo lighter for birthday present (obvious reasons) while getting myself wasted at Boat Quay.

10 years ago and now. What a sobering thought!
10 years now and ahead. Will it be any different?

One thing I hope for sure is that I will still be blessed to have my beloved wife, kids, family and cousins celebrating my birthday with me.

Thank God. It's not easy getting old, but you have made it easier with these people around me.

My week in school

2006-09-21T17:41:00.000+08:00

In my first week of returning to school, I have already made some blunders that obviously would have caused a "deep" impression to my Bosses and collegues. I am outright straight forward to my reporting officers with plenty of questions.

However, today i am writing because i am glad. Glad to have a terrific hubby who despite waking up very early in the morning to send me to school is still able to encourage me when i am down. I am also grateful to have a wonderful co-operating teacher and mentor. She is a very faithful servant of God and often urges me to spend more time with my "CHUBI" son Jotham Yeo. I thank God for putting me here in this workplace. With such a mentor, I sure hope that i will be constantly reminded of my purpose in this teaching career and the things i ought to be chasing after

A Life of Dependency

2006-09-12T09:05:00.000+08:00

Was pondering on the subject over the past 2 days from Christian Chen and Austin Sparks' messages. Today, I'm so focused on independence that I forget to rely entirely on Him. While I only saw a glimpse of this blinding truth, I've reproduced part of their messages (I hope they permit) so that you may see the light too.

Christian Chen:

" Let me tell you a true fact. When a baby is born, its IQ is zero. How do you know if somebody is wise or not? It doesn't depend on how much education he has. The scientists have a way to know if somebody is wise or not. They try to measure their IQ. Very interestingly: when a baby is born, its IQ is zero. However, if you compare a human baby with a newly born animal, you discover that an animal has a greater IQ. For example, a calf, on the day that it is born, can stand and suck the mother's milk. Its IQ is not zero. Have you seen a baby in its cradle on the day of its birth that can stand up and say: "Hello, mom?" The mother would faint! That is impossible. The IQ of a human baby is zero...

...from the first day, the baby only knows how to cry. What does that mean? When he cries, the help comes from the mother, or the whole family. What does that mean? "I cannot live by myself; all I can do is cry." It is a life of dependence. In other words, I can live on this earth because I depend on my mother and my father.
This is the principle of the tree of life, because the baby starts from zero, and finally becomes so wise. That is the secret. But, unfortunately, this is not our case...

We are zero, because we have a dependant life. Now, Christ can write everything in our hearts. Thank God! That is the principle of the tree of life. Sometimes we cried, because we were desperate. When one has ten thousand dollars in their pocket, it is very difficult to pray. When you don't have anything in your pocket your knees become very soft and now you pray. When you pray it is like when babies cry."

Austin Sparks:

"...Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men...

Do we now see what it all comes down to? The starting point of all blessings is there where it enters our consciousness that we have no valid rights, no valid claims; that before the Lord we are nothing other than beggars...

God’s starting point is there where our own self has come to an end..."

Top 5 Things That Happened to the Yeos

2006-09-06T12:03:00.000+08:00

1. I took up piano lessons as a beginner and it was a totally humbling experience. All for the joy of drawing "tao-gays" and co-ordinating my stubby fingers to play nursery rhymes. I felt retarded yet enlightened. I don't know how sustainable this would be but it may well be my second career - my colleague told me his friend earns 8K and drives a MX-5 with teaching piano lessons and being a lounge piano player. Cool! Ad could jolly well sit at home and shake leg!

2. Jotham Yeo tried to tweak with our family laptop while watching videos of "Matrix Ping Pong" and "Monkeys performing karate kicks". He destroyed the laptop nonetheless and looked really sheepish albeit without remorse (he was clowning around just 5 minutes after the episode). This explained why Ad hasn't been writing/checking mails. We were thankful for our foresight in purchasing a 5-year "insurance" on the laptop.

3. Jadon Yeo had started to grow more hair, do more head "push-ups" and began expressing himself less in cries but more in "ahs". He had grown to become cuter and more handsome - just like Jo and me (when I was young). Ad would certainly choose to disagree.

4. Ad and I decided to visit Hong Kong on a long-awaited getaway from the "prison-istic" Singapore. We thought we could have more rest but NO! We literally "jumped" off 20 storeys on the Abyss at Ocean Park and walked through the plethora of shopping centres and night markets until our feet were swollen. Astonishing! 12 am and Hong Kong was still very much eating and shopping. Ad would fill in on the photos but it was really great fun!

5. Ad and I visited Tatsuya at Crown Prince. According to the true-blue Japanese, Tatsuya was THE place for Japanese food, esp. sushi/sashimi. I'm not really a connoisseur of sushi/sashimi ("Matsuo") - all I could tell Ad was that they were fresh (she couldn't eat raw fish as she was breastfeeding, she had tempura soba instead). Well, the freshness cost us over a hundred bucks. We had recently vowed to make visiting the top 50 restaurants in Singapore our workplan for the next 2 years. We believe the total cost could be up to 10 grand but really, what can beat experiencing/sharing good food with your beloved?

Our Haven: Re-opened

2006-09-06T11:29:00.000+08:00

Just realised that the last time I wrote was last year. While my wife has been using this platform to grumble about school and confinement (with some of her students actually leaving comments and messages), so many things have happened meanwhile that weren't chronicled, which really made the past year seemed transient.

Honestly, I still haven't entirely gotten over the bizarre episode of celebrating birth and mourning death within a month, but the close support that ensued had certainly helped our family to move on.

We've decided to re-open our haven and it all boils down to 1 motivating factor - we realised our lives could be so transparent before our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, our close friends and relatives and we didn't like that.

We didn't really like that notion of being superficial beings that don't have deep connections with anyone. We wish to share our thoughts, our joys, our frustrations and our disappointments to anyone who cares and wants to know more about us.

I recall vividly in the early days of this blog someone actually commented that we used this platform to exhibit our vocabulary and langauge skills. That was indeed laughable - how could anyone that knows us thinks of us this way? While we couldn't shape people's perceptions, we wish to reiterate that we didn't want to be pretentious at all.

So, do stay tuned to this humble e-abode of ours. We would love to look back on our days, and convinced ourselves that we had led fulfilling lives with no regrets. We hope you would too.

3rd week like thursday.. 1 more to week/month end

2006-07-20T15:11:00.000+08:00

Yes! its been almost 3 weeks and am counting down the days before my house arrest whoops.. confinement ends. Except for the extra layers of flab, my body is in good condition. I feel healthy at least.. even though my mum gets hysterical and warns me not to stand too often. .??.

Aniwei, Jadon is getting on fine..Thank God. He's the same. Eat, poo and sleep + cry. So that's his story. Jo is all right too. His days are more fruitful with frequent trips to shop and save, his ye ye's house and also toys and tv. As for Guan, he is the usual busy busy busy. By the time he reaches home, quality half hour with the kids, he would be on the bed, knock out liao. Another day has passed. ME? I have becomed a 24hr standby milkmaid as what guan calls me. Rest of the time is much accompanied by SCV and sometimes playing with Jo.

So that's life after marriage and kids? I am not too sure i am appreciating it much but whats to complain when my meals are taken care of, no need to do housework and simply just living like a tai tai since i don feel sick at all. The only difference is tai tai get to go shopping. I have my steals downstairs though. Am beginning to think of work. Wish i could get back soon. I am one totally confused soul. When i work, i want my kids, when i get to be with my kids, i want to work. Can't seem to strike a balance between the two. Now guan and I cant wait to have some time on our own. But yet when we do, am sure we'll be thinking abt the children.

Jotham - God completes. Jadon - Thankful. I guess i should be thankful for a wonderful and complete family. Yes, I am. I love them all.

A testimony - The living God

2006-07-06T10:40:00.000+08:00

We arrived home yesterday afternoon with our new born Jadon. This is going to be a start of our adventure. How to toggle our love between Jo and Jadon and at the same time also how to get enough rest to deal with work.

Anyway in short, yesterday night was a rather tiring one. Trying total breastfeeding so it was at every 2 - 3 hrs interval. At the same time, Jadon also had wind in his tummy and was uncomfortable crying almost every half hour in the night. By 3 am. I was a desperate soul, tired and pressured to keep the cries at minimum. I prayed to the Lord. 'Lord, pls i need some sleep. pls take away the wind in his tummy so that i can have 3 hrs of undisturbed rest before the next feed. I will be utterly grateful and will tell of your goodness" Well, the fact that u are reading this is that, God answered my prayer. So simple but yet it was his way of revealing his prescence in our family.

This is my simple testimony. Do keep us in prayer. Its a challenging, changing phase.

Teaching

2006-05-02T12:59:00.000+08:00

During the course of this practicum, I come to a dilema regarding my role as a teacher. I have witnessed the growth of some students and brought them back on track. Yet at the same time, a big group lies out there lost and couldn't care less. Am i being too ambitious? Being a past student myself, i simply cannot stand the way they choose to lead their student life like that. The more I show my anger and resentment, the more they repelled. Other collegues were more optimistic about their situation. Well, afterall... who are we to think we can knock some senses into them? They choose to lead their lives this way. And so.. I come to ponder on this issue.. is it worth getting angry and upset over ppl who don't care about themselves?

Teaching is an art. Self control is vital. Composure is crucial.
Love abundantly. Think positively.

I have done my best. It takes 2 to clap.

Going gets tough, tough gets going

2006-03-28T16:09:00.000+08:00

Each of us has a responsibility to God, as long as He gives us physical and mental strength, to work heartily "as to the Lord" (Colossians 3:23). We are never called to retire from life and coast home to heaven.

The psalmist said that the righteous "shall still bear fruit in old age" (Psalm 92:14). For those who are physically able, that means continuing in active service. For those who can no longer move about, that means being active in prayer and in quiet service.

Let's make sure old age doesn't stop us from bearing fruit. We need to keep going for God. —Dave Branon

The worst bosses you can have!

2006-03-27T10:07:00.000+08:00

So this monday morning started off with a lousy performing observation where these little bosses just simply decide to be rowdy and sick. I just dont understand what these people want out of me. I try my best to teach them step by step, inject some fun for them in lessons and all they give me is their unco-operation and those unstoppable mouths.

Its a losing battle with 1 to 40.

Hai... well.. i just do what i ought to do and hopefully some will gain something.

UPdates!

2006-03-13T15:00:00.000+08:00

Hello everyone! The yeos have been really busy lately, working an average of 11 to 12 hrs per day. Guan is perpetually too occupied to update this haven. As for me, life has never been that busy but yet the good thing is that, I feel lots happier.

So what's the update? Jo is still as cute as ever.. know how to stand and walk already..

Xiao baby has yet to be given a name. We can't decide on a suitable one yet. Hm..

Guan has been too shacked out and ill most of the time.

Me? I am having holidays now! Good time to clear on my marking.. just marked for 6hrs in a row. Have to get next weeks lesson plans done up as observation begins next week.. But still got time to enjoy la.. going for a break and time on my own now b4 home to cook ba chor mee.hee...

Thats all folks

JO turned one!

2006-01-19T23:08:00.000+08:00

My boy celebrated his one year birthday with a classic act by putting out the candle flame by his hand rather than breath. Fortunately, the crying was only a little while. Totally forgot abt it when opening his presents. This boy is always full of action. Thank God for his protection and blessing on Jotham. May the Lord watch over him as he grow day by day. Thanks for all the gifts and red packets from friends and relatives. Jo loves them all. Happy birthday Jo!

Photos out. view album.

Do you bring change?

2006-01-09T18:05:00.000+08:00

I attended an interesting lesson today, an elective module about being innovative and enterprising. Totally am impressed by the way my tutor conducted the lesson such that two hours went by swiftly. In short, he was objective and open,an entertainer and well.. a walking example of I&E.

There was this part which set me thinking a bit: Would ppl choose a leader who works with popularity? Just in BS last week, it was another one of those examples of kings being influenced by their subjects and ending up with wrong decisions. The same lesson I learnt from the sketch put up by the youths on thanksgiving. Question is how ready am i as an individual to pay the price for ignoring comments from others and accept rejection; To condone with disapproving people who sometimes are too and I mean over-bounded by their own set of self inflicted rules? Do I have the guts to act on my belief?

This issue to me is evident in my workplace: Am I ready to bring change or question current school policies at the expense of politics? In church: Will traditions over-ride purpose? What part do I play in seeking what's true? In life: Am I ready to bring up my children in a different manner not overly focused on their achievements?

I am stuck between the generation above who totally believes in conformity and the upcoming generation who dare to pursue their beliefs. To a large extent, I admire their courage but yet I'm brought up in an environment set by the previous generation.

To unlearn and relearn may not be totally that easy, still I don't think I'm ready to pay the price for having this character yet.. but as a start, I can begin by being open and listen to what others have to say, to give everyone a chance at their own pursuit of what they believe in.

THANKS!

2005-12-27T09:06:00.000+08:00

Thanks for all the xmas gifts this year. All are great and practical. We are having famous amos for breakfast for the next 2 days. Sumptuous ya? I have transferred all the gifts to their rightful places. So has guan but i wonder when his speed rope will be utilised. Will report when he does. As for me, I have already worn my T-shirt(fr annie), used the food jar (fr sis), wallet & hp pouch (fr guan) and am gonna use my kimage prepaid later. While most peoples' gifts are still under the tree, this is whats happening to mine. By the way, am gonna tear down the tree later.

Chirstmas isn't Christmas

2005-12-23T11:46:00.000+08:00

I am surprised by the over-festive celebration everyone out there is having for this Christmas. It suddenly seemed like christmas was another chinese new year. Lots of decorations, gift exchanges and even people speaking about santa. Non belivers are also celebrating this occassion. Yes indeed its a season of giving but lets all remember that it all came from the Lord; His act of redemption by sending His Son Jesus Christ. That's the greatest gift that we should remember admist the many others in paper wrappings.

"Christmas isn't Christmas,
til it happens in your heart.
Somewhere deep inside you
is where Christmas really starts.
So give your heart to Jesus,
you'll discover when you do;
That it's Christmas,
really Christmas for you."

Merry X'mas

2005-12-21T09:00:00.000+08:00

We are 90% complete in wrapping our christmas gifts this year. Yes.. its x'mas again. What a festive and joyous occassion. Guan and I have came up with a

Worst x'mas gifts for the Yeos
1)ornaments
2)anything to do with froggies
3)toiletries and bath sets

well... but if u are preparing to give us any of these, we'll still receive with appreciation. Its the thought that counts afterall.

So blessed x'mas to everyone! here's something for you..(courteasy of my friend eddie lim)

http://www.syfc.org.sg/christmas05/hokkien.htm

Marriage of Lim Yong & Jenny

2005-12-05T12:06:00.000+08:00

Yesterday my family and I attended the wedding of Lim Yong and Jenny. We are very glad and happy for this couple. A witness to their relationship blossom from nothing to something. For bro Lim yong, I am happy that you have pursued a supportive and capable lady and Jenny, my chang and eng, just too happy for you to marry such a wonderful hubby. May God bless you both greatly. I guess we are gonna see a more open lim yong and a happier jenny from now on.. that's what a marriage can do to change lives. Congrats Mr and Mrs Lim.

Receiving Jesus as simple as A B C

2005-11-30T09:18:00.000+08:00

Admit you are a sinner (Romans 3:23).
Believe on Jesus (Romans 10:9-13).
Confess Jesus to others (Matthew 10:32).

our daily bread 30 nov 2005

Not hugs and kisses

2005-11-28T12:35:00.000+08:00

In a few incidents recently, i have seen chritian love and support in our church. Love that is unpretentious. It acts out in constant prayers and not merely casual words. You'll be surprised that sometimes even when the person who doesn't talk much to you prays for you. I think it would be all so marvelous when we reach heaven one day and realised how much someone has been faithfully remembering us in their lives. I am quite sure the sight will surprise us. We've got christian lives to live and jesus love to give, we've got nothing to hide, becos in him we abide.

New link!

2005-11-08T14:45:00.000+08:00

photos out. look under links > Photo album.

Enjoy.

I'm BACK!!

2005-11-06T16:31:00.000+08:00

I am now standing at the free internet kiosk at Changi T2 blogging while waiting for hubby's flight to arrive. The feeling back in S'pore is simply terrific. The service and standards here are world class. I must say that I am a little unaccustomed to the environment of my holiday trip but when it comes to scenaries and history, the places that I went to were fared much better.

In the previous post I mentioned about going into old town. The architecture in Europe is so exquisite that being in old town allowed me to picture myself in one of those novels that I read. There, we saw the wall of the reformers and also learnt much about John Calvin. The cathedral and buildings are some pieces of church history. It was an amazing sight. (refer to photos later)
The next day, we took a 4hr train to Milan-Italy. If you thought being at the peak of St. Pierre was wonderful, the climb up the DUOMO cathedral was two fold the wonder. Just looking at the detail on every door and wall makes you ponder the amount of effort and art to build this building. It is by far the most grand site I have ever seen.

For those of you who worried about our meals like ah yun who promised us meat, we had a good deal of meat in the next few days at a high cost. Meals are more than expensive. In Milan, our eyes just lit up when we saw a chinese restaurant sign along the roads. Our craving for 'mian' just brought our legs there. We had 2 bowls of sub-standard wantan maggi noodle soup and a plate of toufu for 30 euro(S$60). HA!Ha!. You can bet that we will be at the hawkers for the next month. Dinner was equally expensive but at least we tried italian vongole and risotto.

So aniwei, its good to be back. Wait for our pics to be up. I think they need some commentry from Guan cos I don't remember what they are.

Greetings from Geneva!

2005-11-02T16:44:00.000+08:00

Harlow to everyone back in Spore. Its wed morning 9.44am now in Geneva. I am just too happy to be using the internet but laptop batts low. 26 mins remaining. ok..quick..

To start with, my 12 hour night flight on KLM was pretty disastrous. Neck ached like mad and there was one irritating guy sitting in front who lead his chair back. There was little space room. Breakfast was slow and I had to actually ask the hostess if they were going to serve breakfast at 11 am Spore time. Most of the passengers were still asleep. Jet Lag.

I saw the sunrise of Amsterdam in the 2 hr transit on monday morning. It was beautiful.

Finally, now into the 2nd day at Geneva, guan and I are terribly deprived of meat. Oh .. We need some Meat. The slection of bread here is too overwhelming. I don't think we are gonna eat bread for at least a week when we return. The truth is that in this city of french speaking surrondings, there is little to do over here. We tried a walk down to the famous Lake Geneva. It took us 1 hr to reach on foot and we almost died. There is not much tourist attraction although watching their lifestyle just makes us wonder why we are working that way back at home. Meals here are expensive. We had Burger Kings 2 meals and 9 pc wings for 30CHF. *WOW*.

In an hour, i'll get ready to go to carrefour to search for some meat and noodles. Tonight, we are venturing to Old Town. Wonder whats there..

By the way.. JO Daddy and Mummy miss you all the time..

depression subdued

2005-10-10T09:03:00.000+08:00

In one of the emails sent by ly, it was pointed out that sometimes we focused too much on difficulties that actually weren't much of a difficulty. I am guilty of that. Its just so sick that I slip into a series of depression when events and responsibilities overtake me. Its only when God helps me see what others are going through that make me realise my problems may only be a fraction of a mounthill. However, by then.. damages would have been made. Question is why are some people able to count their blessings first before they get depressed? There is this phrase that we shared in class: "pls engage brain before speaking". Now, as I am attempting to practice this as a start, I can't continue - brain not engaged.

Be my alarm

2005-09-16T04:13:00.000+08:00

The coffee worked good for me. Pls check if i'm awake by 9am 2mr. Got to go to school. Scared i oversleep. thanks.

Stand-in head of the household

2005-09-14T23:14:00.000+08:00

It is my usual custom to be writing at this time of the night while the stand-in man of the house sucks his pacifier, flicking the sides of his xiao ding dang pillow, reclining in his superman sleeping position. So cute. Yes, jo is becoming wiser each day. In the last 8 months, he has picked up the skills of crawling and now leaning to stand on every opportunity. I love my boy. His smile that reveals only 2 short teeth makes my heart beat happier. Jo can recognise us now. It will not be long before he walks and speaks. I'm looking forward to that.

This night is a little unusual, the doors have been locked cos I know the man of the house will not be back tonight. In fact at this point of time, he should be having breakfast in the country located opposite side of the globe. I wonder how he's doing now? This time's trip is a little dangerous. After the terrorist warnings and blackout, I can only hang on by faith to pray that my Lord looks after this man and bring him back safely soon.

As for myself, I had a good whopping 9 hrs of sleep yesterday. Can't remember when was the last time I woke up at 9. The remaining of the day was facing the laptop to write my assignments. Mind's rusty already. Still have lots to continue. Give myself an hour before I join my stand-in superman.

Have fun

2005-09-08T10:42:00.000+08:00

http://www.asiapromotions.com/voyage_yahoo.html

try this and don't forget me when u win a prize

PATIENCE and FOCUS

2005-08-30T11:13:00.000+08:00

In "The Rule of Four" written by Ian Caldwell and Dustin Thomason, they posed an interesting thought: to count a hundred million stars, at a rate of 1 star/second, seems to be an impossible task to complete in a lifetime. However, in perspective, it would only take slightly more than 3 years - if you've the PATIENCE and provided you've the FOCUS.

It's a strong message. How many of us could have such PATIENCE and FOCUS in our lives? In these times, we were either over multi-tasking and losing patience at the same time at how moronic our silly circumstances are. The OVERCOMERS, in reality, are PATIENT with sufferings and are very FOCUSED on what they wish to attain at the end of the road.

I ran this thought through my wife but she didn't get the message - she was too encumbered by her "to-do" lists while I was too sick to explain in greater detail.

I need to learn these two virtues. I'm wearing myself out with my growing impatience (on the roads, in office, at home, at church) and losing my focus amid my "more than 100 things to do per day" life - a siege mentality that I subconsciously adopt.

dead man walking

2005-08-29T09:01:00.000+08:00

In the past week especialy, i have been like a dead man floating. Going through school unconcerned about the piling assignments due next week and skimping through the housework. Clothes ironed but they looked crumpled and floor mopped but still have lots of hair flying around. Even with jo, i become increasingly impatient and find myself struggling with him. I became sad,stressed, paranoid and to add fire, that simply overtook my whole being. Complains and tantrums..in short. I acted like i dint know who i was. Emotions overtook my sober state of mind.

And the shit thing is that everytime this happens in my life, i say stuff that i would normally regret. I paint a picture uglier than it actually is. Self pity. I'm really capable of doing that. You know i once thought i was ok.. Hey God, there's nothing really much for me to change ya know. There was no reply then. All along, I have been learning the lesson of faith, trust.. and yet this time, i felt the 1 big lesson that God wants me to experience is to know who i am and how far i am from being an overcomer.

In fact, I am struck by reality that I lack love, patience, a discerning mind and self control. Hey I'll be 25 in 2 months time and somehow, i still see this immaturity in me. I have to grow up. Oh lord, help me to rid this stinky part off me.

My r'sip with God has reduced to a quick glance at daily bread. I hardly even find time to open the bible. I brush through work with God and every morning, I pray for the same thing and people till sometimes it becomes a routine. In the past, travelling on the mrt was God's time. Now the minute i find a seat, i take out some work to accomplish. Of course most of the time, it was fruitless. Fortunately, once a week in CF, for every lost steps that i strayed, it sort of pulled me back a little. I need to get on.. focus! Find myself, Find GOD!

Saving stranded STARfish

2005-08-05T23:02:00.000+08:00

There was a despondent man walking along a beach
At a distance he saw a man picking up starfish and throwing them back into the sea
The despondent asked what he was doing
"The tide has gone down and the starfish needs to be in the water or they will die"
"But how many can u save? The whole beach is full of starfish. You are wasting your time"
Upon hearing that, the man ran to the nearest starfish, picked it up and threw it into the sea.
"I made a difference to that one!"

This is not the first time I heard this story but it encourages me never to give up. Sometimes, situations may overwhelm us. Do it bit by bit. Make a difference to a soul.

Creative Vs Discipline

2005-08-05T22:33:00.000+08:00

In my first week of school, I am excited and overwhelmed by the new role teachers play. I would prefer to term my occupation as an educator. Indeed! Tons of assignments due in a few weeks time. I realised that alot of ideas and creativity is expected out of me. Hm.. CREATIVITY..
Guan and I had a discussion over this. I was never the creative one. I am the more disciplined between us. Guan on the other hand has much creative juice flowing in his brains. Thinking out of the box is not uncommon.

From our talk, we concluded in general...

The CReAtives - ill disciplined but often are the cream of the cake.
The discipliNed - work hard. U often find them among the first layer in a cake.

Now, Can a disciplined person be also creative? Hm.. we thought there was a conflict here as disciplined people are often bounded by a set of rules. This restricts creativity. Hm.. what do you think? Which r u?

The Invisible Hand of God

2005-07-28T19:34:00.000+08:00

The invisible hand of God has gracefully opened a door;
and slam all other doors SHUT!
A prayer answered when i called;
a clear answer that leaves me with no doubt.

Even though I wasn't desperate in prayer;
even so when I was very much in the lions' lair;
yet He gracefully stood by me;
held my hand closely in His and made me see.

Albeit most of the time I couldn't see You;
most of the time my ears grew weary of Your advice;
yet You always give the cue;
at times when I didn't have a clue.

The invisible Hand of God is nigh;
very nigh to me indeed.

"For promotion [cometh] neither from the east, nor from the west, nor from the south. But God [is] the judge: he putteth down one, and setteth up another".

Psalm 75:6-7

As a student teacher...n mum

2005-07-26T11:14:00.000+08:00

Friday was my last day at Northland. I realised that I was more attached to my students than they were too me.. was sort of sad. I wrote them a poem as a parting gift. Now I am considered as a student teacher. A paid student. That sounds great right? Little apprehensive about being a student again. Can't remember when was the last time I handed in a thousand word essay. Well..
The first day started off with an MC. Yes.. I'm sick again. Have been really weak after birth. Think I already visited the doc 3 times in 6 months. This time the medical bill escalated to $46 bucks. What stupid waste.. thats like 1 tuition session.
Well, it wouldnt have been so if I hadn't played with Jo and almost broke his arm. Yes.. this little boy swung his body backwards and i was holding his arm hard to prevent him from falling.. then there was this "cruck" sound. He cried so hard.. i thought i had dislocated his arm. Was so paranoid and worried. Many thoughts came into my mind. 1. Will he lose the ability to use his left arm? 2. Will he have to be put in a cast. 3. Everyones gonna condemn me for being a lousy mum. Oh shit! I felt horrid and turned to God in desperation. Thank God, Jo was back to his active self after a sleep. Brought him to the doc for a checkup. He seems fine. It was such a scare. So that disrupted guan and my day of events. All my doing.

I wish i could deliver to my responsibilities beter. As a wife, a mother, a worker and a child of God. Oh BUCK UP Ad!

Back

2005-07-15T16:45:00.000+08:00

After 4 days, 20 beers, 50 new faces, 1500 miles, I am back...at Bukit Batok drinking coffee and blogging while my vehicle is being serviced. Nice to see my beloved mum/wife/son receiving me - even though he was more interested in the packet of meat buns - at the airport last night.

Ho Chi Minh City and Phnom Penh are cities that everyone should go. Well, they don't have the draw like other countries - shopping malls, "wonders of the world" sights, breathtaking scenery (they do have "breathtaking" fumes from motorcycles' exhaust though) - but they really do have a intriguing attraction. Doubtful that I will go there for work again but even for leisure, I would most certainly be there again.

Read a lot of hoo-ha about the NKF debacle. Actually, I'm not too sure if this is worth so much attention. I just met an interesting Japanese on the plane from PP to HCM who works for non-government organisation (NGO) on international relief i.e. get funds (we are talking about 7 and 8 digit figures here) from companies/individuals to help less-developed countries (LDP) like Vietnam/Cambodia. I'm sure the CEO of this NGO would get paid well, maybe even double that of our dear Mr. NKF. I thus concluded that being over-exposed in all forms of media while courting public funds probably led NKF to its downfall.

Maybe I should volunteer myself as Mr. NKF and draw just one-third of the pay, fly business class (instead of 1st class) and one-quarter of the bonuses. Just focus on corporate funds, make a hoo-ha (through the now-famous reporter) if some rich local companies fail to pledge and commit financial support.

Corporate strategy 101. 100% success. And transparent as well.

Now!...feeling..doing..

2005-07-12T22:45:00.000+08:00

This day, I am having my dinner of cup noodles now, updating the blog. Long long time since i posted anything on. Well.. school's life is as busy as usual. Today am particularly upset. Got myself so angry and hurt over some students who refused to be helped. I shalln't elaborate. Fortunately, the remedial and 2 other students made up for the naughty ones. In that class, this 15 yr old boy was snatching fren's pen, taking their bags and walking in and out of class. OMG rite? Think he needs constant action. like a hyper 5 yr old kid.

Aniwei.. enuf about school. Its one of those days where am all alone.. guan's outstation and jo's at the next block. This time i feel all right. Think i am beginning to get used to this. Afterall, this long day has drained me too much. Household chores will be left for 2mr. .. I passed my Maths Mastery Test, on the 2nd attempt. Thank God. There were still about 50% who failed. However, I also failed my advance driving theory. To which, i was bitter and sore.. for not clearing it. I was so confident, i finished in 10 mins. In the end, i had to endure the embarassment of the invigilator telling me to study hard and not just glance through in front of the other 20 over candidates. so ma loo..

Today's papers told me NKF CEO earns 25,000 a month. WOW.. its my 1 yrs pay lor. What life! Well.. good for him la.. but for me.. its to charge for the next 6hrs before a brand new day of hustle and bustle. Nites.

EQ Test

2005-07-07T08:54:00.000+08:00

Thanks to Yvonne, I think I'm hooked.

Your EQ is

120
50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick!
51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese.
71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely.
91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that.
111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt.
131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.
150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

Personality Test

2005-07-06T14:45:00.000+08:00

Withdrawn...certainly. Quite accurate. Why am I doing this?

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.

For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

IQ Test

2005-07-06T14:41:00.000+08:00

Tempted by Yvonne Seah to do this. Not too bad but sigh...still not good enough for Mensa.

Your IQ Is 130

Your Logical Intelligence is Exceptional
Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius
Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius
Your General Knowledge is Exceptional

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

Fitter, Happier, and More Productive

2005-06-29T08:50:00.000+08:00

Remembered the monotone lyrics on Radiohead's "OK Computer" album (the top album in the last 20 years by Spin). Yes, these would remain my objectives for rest of 2005. This year is not entirely done yet. Pass my driving? Cut away excessive credit cards? No big deal! This year is not finished at all...

Still need to find the balance at work. Still need to pass that IPPT test. Still need to slim down to 70 kg (BMI 22.5). Still need to complete the Bible. Still need to find time to attend Bible study. Still need to find memory to store Hebrews in my head. Still need to attempt GMAT. Still need to help my friends pass their exams. Still need to find time to learn more about wines! Plenty of things to accomplish - YES. life is full of promises and opportunities. Life seems meaningful when you are "Mr. Brightside". Life IS meaningful when work is only one sentence in my to-do list for this year.

Fitter, Happier and more productive. I hope everyone reading this would pardon my self-rhetoric and join me to embrace the next half of this year!

A different lifestyle altogether

2005-06-16T17:50:00.000+08:00

Since yesterday, I took on the role of a full-time mum and housewife as my in-laws went for a short holiday. The day just seem to pass so fast. The routine goes like this.
When the alarm rings at 6.45, I make breakfast for the family. At 7am, Jo will wake up and smile alot. He looks the most radient in the early morning. Then he'll have his milk and play a little. Almost an hour after bath, he'll take his morning nap. This usualy last about 2 hrs. During this time, is my chance to get the laundry done and wash up the dishes from breakfast. If I'm lucky enough, I may get the opp for a news read or email check. This takes me to about 12 noon.
I can see the little boy strectching is his rocker, tossing and rubbing his eyes. If I don't get there soon, my ears will suffer from his screams and shrieks. Lunch time is my most hateful period. I try to feed him some unpolished rice paste. The preparation is not that difficult compared to the delivery into the little boy's mouth. He needs continuous feeding and contact with the spoon. 1 sec slow and you find him booing and blowing bubbles. Now all the paste is over the chair and my shirt. Worse still, he helps himself to his fingers, making a mess of everything. By pulling his hands out of his mouth, he shows his displeasure by spitting the paste again. OMG! I couldn't stand it. Cute the action it may be but certainly not when a massive clean-up is required. Worse still, my mil don't seem to have this problem. I feel sick. Anyway, by 1, the worse is over, now is time for me to play acrobat and entertain. Juggle the ball, make funny faces and noises, sometimes teach abc to a un-interested child. One act that doesn't suit him and there goes the yelling and booing again. *sigh*
By 2 plus, he will grow tired and bored, its time for his 2nd nap of the day. Phew.. now its the time for me to clear up all the gimmicks and toys that i have taken out just now. Ironing clothes plus preparing for my lessons when school starts. Also have to start taking out the frozen food for cooking later.
At 4, its milk time again. The acrobat returns. Normally, i will try take him out for a short walk to woodlands mart and return to bathe him. He is a han bao-bao. By 6 to 7, a short nap is needed or else face the yells again. the problem is this little boy doesn't have a fix time table. So a lot of trial and error needed.
After dinner is fixed, at about 8 plus, its time for a clean up and last meal before he retires to bed. An hour later.. the little boy finds zz monster creeping up to his door and he becomes cranky. Its time to pat gei ta sui.
Suprisingly, everything ends by 10. In the past with tuitions and so on.. 10 is the time Guan and I reach home. In fact that's an underestimate. A child needs a normal family, routine life. Despite all the booing and raising my voice and small disciplinary actions, I am glad to have a go at this lifestyle. At least i feel like a mother. A mother, entertain and perform to see his smiles, yell and scold only to hear his cries. However, I think I'm better at working like a mad dog at my paid job. Family and work... to what level of integration is best? This require wisdom and the Lord's blessings. An open heart and a logical mindset.

Camp-less

2005-06-13T11:15:00.000+08:00

Probably everyone who went to church camp has something favourable to write in their blogs - I was told early Sunday morning during breakfast that the camp was one of the best ever. Had a good preview when one of the speakers shared during sunday school and morning service before the camp, and I did regret that I couldn't attend.

Well, the "cannot-make-it(to the camp)" people were "revelling" back in Singapore over excessive pasta/pizza at Pregos, followed by overdose of laughter medicine at Swissotel Lounge Court. Quite an enjoyable evening, I thought, and it was an unanimous relief that there was no CF on Saturday.

Contrasting lives at different lands. I wonder whether I will be the remaining one of the two when rapture takes place.

Faithless, I am.

When money is concerned...

2005-06-07T13:11:00.000+08:00

This day i found myself having to visit the doctor after fighting a stomach flu of abdominal pains and lao sai-ing for 2 days. I was to fight to the end to save the medical costs since mc is not needed. But too bad.. spent $34 bucks for some medicine and the doctor pressing and listening the stomach.

The worst thing is that the minute i got home from the doctor, I felt instantly better..as if I had drank some recovery potion over there. Its so weird that some things are never done till money is spent.

I think the medicine is taking some effect. My stomach still feels a lingering pain but its bearable. Its the medicine working right? It must be.. Come on.. I'm telling myself that the trip to the doctor was a wise choice. I wouldn't have gotten any better without it. Make my $34 worth.

Five Finger Prayer

2005-06-02T10:03:00.000+08:00

When you fold your hands, the thumb is nearest you. So begin by praying for those closest to you—your loved ones (Philippians 1:3-5).

The index finger is the pointer. Pray for those who teach—Bible teachers and preachers, and those who teach children (1 Thessalonians 5:25).

The next finger is the tallest. It reminds you to pray for those in authority over you—national and local leaders, and your supervisor at work (1 Timothy 2:1-2).

The fourth finger is usually the weakest. Pray for those who are in trouble or who are suffering (James 5:13-16).

Then comes your little finger. It reminds you of your smallness in relation to God's greatness. Ask Him to supply your needs (Philippians 4:6,19).

Interesting..

Holidaze

2005-06-01T15:50:00.000+08:00

Feels pretty good to have a break now. The best thing is that Jo is able to come home every night. He's getting cuter each day. Can feel a stronger bond now. Great! The other thing is Guan is also having a week off due to his wisdom tooth extraction... Hm.. but think it hurts terribly and there's nothing much he can do with that injured gum.

Am occupied today and tomorrow for some POA enrichment program.. basically am just roting away here, walking around to see what the students are doing.

The MATHS MASTERY TEST is coming on Jun 10.. Oh no.. I have yet to study for it. 2 hrs test.. have already forgot how to do those questions. It was a long 10 yrs ago man. Will have to sit in the library to practise O level questions and probably hire guan as my tutor. I MUST Pass!!

Berd and Li's wedding coming up on sat. Looking forward to that event. Glad and happy for this couple who has come a long way..Congrats.

So that is about what the whole holi's gonna be. Hope it's will be a fruitful one.

Count your blessings

2005-05-28T00:16:00.000+08:00

I woke up today this morning feeling that the whole world owes me a living. But as I cabbed to school, I got to read this advertisement on the box of "pure milk" T shirt. It goes about telling me how fortunate I am if i can breathe, have family members, have a shelter above me, read, live comfortably, then it goes on to ..have a church, worship freely and so on.. yes indeed I was touched to read that little ad, i started to count my blessings and thanked God for all of them. I am reminded by one email my sister sent me. It was about a person's perception towards a filled bottle. Firt it was pebbles, then stones, then sand. No matter what you put in the bottle, its always filled. Through my life, I have been too bothered over the "sand" in my bottle. I saw little things as real big and get myself frustrated. One more encounter that woke me up was a talk with one of my students. She is really a nice girl. When I asked if her parents were here for the parents teacher conference, I found out that her mum was going through a 3rd operation for breast cancer. And there she was still cheerful, executing her student leader duties professionally. She was even glad that her mum will discharge on sunday, the day she will return from the sec 3 camp. Oh mine..her optimism and hope is what I greatly lack.
To add on to my blessings, today I was stress-free. Was so happy when Guan took half day to accompany me. We had a fun and wonderful short time in JB. Returned with purchases and a filled stomach.. it was like our courting days :)
Today is a fruitful day. Its the joy of realising how blessed and loved I am. But as I read this now, I'll stop to say a short pray for my student's mum. Pls remember her too in yours.

Fallen...To The BRIGHT Side

2005-05-26T17:39:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how a real holiday can do wonders to cure depression. Few months back, some might recall that my head was buried in piles of paper and my fingers aching from constant typing. Now, I'm fresh like spring, full of joy.

Not that the papers are gone or I've resigned - although I did toy with that thought after last Sat's RECRUIT appeared brimming with lots of opportunities - holidaying is really a fresh change of perspective in life from the hustle and bustle of Singapore.

Yes, I know this feeling could be temporal - easily eroded by work stress etc. I just wish to sustain it as long as I could. Both my wishes failed yesterday - Bo Bice was knocked out and so was AC Milan - but at least I'm still on the BRIGHT side :)

Good in bad

2005-05-16T21:32:00.000+08:00

I spent the whole day thoroughly upset with some salary shortfall in this month's pay. The amount of time spent on work suddenly seemed all like free labour. Before i start the whole complain cycle and rattle on about how unfair my career path has been, I think I should begin to search and see the good from the bad. At least now, I have the time to blog, to see how much my son is being appreciated by his milk mum.. managed to iron the clothes tonight. Guan is going to go to work in T shirts if nothing is ironed. This night I realised that clothes ironed with love and patience can come up pretty neat. By the 6th shirt and 45 mins, they are starting to look like some sloppy work again. Ha... Oh ya, I also managed to send out a few applications just now. Finally!! Will just have to wait and see how God directs my path.. if I should go, may he open doors for me asap. Time is running short. Yes yes.. also did the sl roster today. Its already 2 weeks late.
K in the midst of me being lost in the doldrums of work, at least a few things more meaningful things were accomplished.

I have put on 2 kg recently...can feel the chin getting longer and extra fat building up. I need a work-out. Have been wanting to play tennis with guan since I was fit for sports. This has not materialised. Intended to go for a swim in the afternoon but ended up being so angry and fed up. Hopefully I can go tomorrow. Hope the sun is bright and shining. Will also have to search for some gifts for my students. Promised about 10 students rewards if they could pass their exam. Only 2 qualify so far.. am happy for them...and good that none of them was promised the narutu. Keke!

attitude sucks

2005-05-12T19:11:00.000+08:00

I have been very discouraged with poor attitude from my students lately. Its just so sad to see them uninterested in everything and not wanting to shape their own future well.

Today, I realised that I possess an absolutely disgusting attitude too. Work attitude I mean. Through the 3 years of work, I complained and complained and complained. Nothing seems to be satisfying enough. It's not really the work that is that tough but that tongue of mine is too quick to blab. This is not a wise working attitude. Probably I am unable to take hardships, always feeling the need to let everything that affects me out.

I really ought to learn. Poor attitude can lead me nowhere. I really need to work on it.

Complaint Channel

2005-05-06T18:40:00.000+08:00

I just realised that I've been using this blog too long as a complaint channel - somewhere that I can vent my frustrations, somewhere where I can write to straighten my thoughts, and sometimes, somewhere that I could share my little joys with...

Little did I realise that I should tell all these thoughts to Him. Sure He knows what I wrote, but maybe He wishes me to TELL Him personally. I don't know.

Instead of ragging on and on, maybe I should have a heart-to-heart talk with Him. A coffee session with Him is long overdue - it's time to catch up.

ad updates.

2005-05-05T09:52:00.000+08:00

Everyday still disturbed by the matter if I should be signing the agreement. Its a matter that you think and ponder but do nothing about reaching a decision. It just keeps lingering in the mind as if just to stay on till choice reaches an expiry date. Teaching revealed alot of my flaws. I realised the amount of effort and love that I can put in for every individual horrible, heartless creature in school is so limited. When the traffic is simply one way, my perserverance just slowly diminishes with evey disappointment. So yes, don't ask me if I'm entering into this deep shit. I'm still very much confused.

These few days, things in school have simmered a little with the kids taking their exams. And yes, like guan mentioned, life indeed is tough but the most important think i guess is to be able to draw happiness admist the hustle and bustle. I'm trying to do lead a happier life. Am suddenly reminded by the song "mylife is in u Lord, my strength is in you Lord, my hope is in u Lord, in you its in you".

Life is Tough

2005-05-04T18:51:00.000+08:00

Life is tough. Same old complaint - papers are piling high, meetings are bunched up, emails seem endless, deadlines are nearing, pimples are popping out, caffeine intake increases drastically, start overeating...This feeling is too surreal.

It's during this time that I start to enjoy every minute when Jo smiles and rolls (YES, he can roll over when he's placed with his chest facing down!!), every meal I partake with Ad, every cup of Ribena (with little Vodka) "concocted" by Ad, every little thing that brings me joy...every ounce of joy matters at this time.

Is this comfort in despair? Grace in difficulties? His grace is sufficient for me, indeed. I'm grateful that the day has drawn to a close with my newfound optimism that whatever I wrote in my first paragraph would be resolved...eventually.

everythings good tonight except...

2005-04-27T22:57:00.000+08:00

ya man, things have been good for this night. After deciding to leave my pile of work at 6.30pm, I was able to go visit jo at 6.45.. thanks to a lift from Heng. Jo was sleeping so cutely on his bed, sucking the pacifier well. When he woke up 15 mins later, he was full of smiles. So cute... after dinner, I held him by his arms and put his legs to touch the ground. This boy loves walking.. he's trying to make steps even before he can "fan". Ha..

Managed to watch jing jong ren at 9pm. pretty good show. Now I am catching amazing race. The gays got eliminated last week. What a waste, they quite nice to the old couple, who are 2nd now in 4 teams.

So things are good tonight that I can enjoy such little luxuries of the tv, managed to do some laundry too. The only thing missing is the company of Guan. Guan: [Hey, how are u?? enjoying the night scene of hongkong ya? I was deciding if i should bring work home to mark today but I remembered you and what the hag, I have to take up my mother and wife's role now. So thanks to you, I'm having a rest here. The weather is so humid and hot tonight. No aircon without you so wish u be back soon. take care.]

Disillusioned in Singapore

2005-04-26T11:31:00.000+08:00

It could be the delayed E Coli action - the virus probably incubated and finally gone full blast (common word nowadays) after my Delhi trip. My stomach behaved like an old washing machine since yesterday and goodness, it is still going overtime today. Whatever masala left, I hope, should be in the sewers by end of today. Man, I was knocked out since Sat and spoiled what was supposed to be a splendid weekend in between my travels. URGH! And one of the Indian mangoes wasn't sweet.

So glad to see Ad + Jo after 4 days. Especially Jo, who was in top form over the weekend - talking, smiling and crying loudly. He emoted so smoothly that he could well be the next Jack Neo/Jim Carrey/Jerry Seinfeld, if he wishes to be. Like what his milk mum says, he's really "The Great Pretender".

Leaving for Hong Kong tomorrow. No masala nightmares albeit the recent news had also featured dim sum in a very bad light. Well, at minimum, I would have a splendid 10-course dinner at the awards for sure. Will poot Oreos and order for room service rest of the time.

Travelling tends to make you very disillusioned while you're in Singapore. From the splendour of Taj Mahal back to the plain-jane HDB flat could be real disheartening. Then again, the beautiful sights overseas could not compare to the smile of my cute little boy or the comforting embrace of my lovely wife. So you're stuck in a paradox...unresolved until something materialises.

Meanwhile, take care, people! Looking forward to a smashing long weekend. And please do join us for the conclusion of "God's Workman" theme - the godmum of Jo better turn up after all she wrote on our tagboard.

sick.

2005-04-21T12:43:00.000+08:00

This is the third time i am attempting to update my blog. I fell sleep before the com on the past two tries. This week has been a totally shack week. After "tonging" for the past month, my body has to finally surrender to the flu virus. My body's aching all over and I fall asleep at any chance if there is, as if i am truly short of rest. Yes indeed, no rest. My life's been busy little here little there.Busy over teeny winy details that no one appreciates. I really need this mc today though marking resumes and tons of household chores await me to complete.

Guan:
Am glad you are surviving in delhi. Hopefully no stomach upsets. So sorry I couldn't talk much on the phone the past 2 nights. Jo's fine and smiling. I just saw him this morning. He's going to buffet with your mum and grandma. What good life! U sure miss him. Thank God you are coming back tomorrow.

I have to get well before friday. Otherwise jo can't come back. Pray for me.
Need a nap now. u take care.

Blogging from New Delhi

2005-04-19T03:16:00.000+08:00

This is a start of a very tough week when firstly, I am in New Delhi until Friday - and my calendar are already fully packed with meetings. There is no time for Taj Mahal, which is 5 hours away from the city. There is only time for work and blogging, I guess (it's $20US for a full day broadband wireless connection - better capitalise fully).

Missing Jo and Ad terribly, and not certain whether I can survive the masala meals and all without suffering stomach upsets. Even mineral water is advised for brushing teeth...tell me about it. I may as well bath in milk.

Thankfully, I will be back for the weekend until Tuesday before I fly again to Hong Kong next week. Then it will be a well-deserved labour day long weekend. Yay! Can't wait till then. Guys - no time to book chalet lah. So, Sengkang Palace knows what to do hor.

Meanwhile, all those that are having exams - study hard!

Ad - think of me, think of me fondly when you said goodnight! Well, understand that there are a LOT of sports factory outlets like Adidas around my hotel. Should be dirt cheap. Guess it was bad timing for you to buy NB at Queensway yesterday...sadness. Anyway, will try to poot 1 sari for you. Tell Jo that daddy misses his smile every morning and his cries every night.

Do You Know What You Really Want?

2005-04-13T11:05:00.000+08:00

In my brief time with Ad yesterday night - I realised that the total time I spent with her totalled less than 5 hrs - she asked me the titled question. Now, Ad always had exciting stories to tell me amidst her complaints about the incredulously irritating students she handled every day. You just have to separate the wheat from the chaff sometimes.

Well, this time, it was that one of her colleague teachers is going to leave service and be a missionary teacher i.e. go to 3rd World countries to spread gospel and be a teacher. Apparently, this teacher had, after her O levels, wanted to serve the Lord full time but her pastor uncle (who was the one that passed away because of SARS) had asked her to study further so that she could be more equipped to serve in future.

Ad and I reflected for a few seconds while eating fishball noodles and ice jelly. Amidst the hustle and bustle we experienced everyday, deep in our hearts, we know we are totally unsatisfied with the lives we're living. Well, it could be partly due to discontentment - Ad had been reiterating her rhetoric for umpteen times that "Life is meaningless" - but ultimating it boiled down to this: we don't know what we really want.

I'm not too keen on the Purpose Driven Life - honestly, I find that it's just another book that tells you what you'd already know, nothing inspiring. I mean, I already know that I have a purpose, but after 26 years and 7 months, I'm still pretty clueless on what I really want to do. I realised that after all, I'm not really like Jacob - this guy really knew what he wanted.

Ok, off and on, you talk to friends/colleagues about the Lord and try to serve in whatever capacity you can on Sat/Sun. Can that be my purpose? Not that I'm underwhelmed about what I'm doing now but hey, is this just my purpose - nothing else?

Just last year after Jonathan Pong came to Singapore, David Hung jested that we should set a goal 2010 ala the Singapore soccer campaign - where we would go China to spread the gospel, just like what Jon Pong did. I'm pretty thrilled by the idea - I looked at what Edwin/Mary are doing and something kept challenging me - are you doing enough for the Lord?

I think and I feel that I should do some mission work, at least in my entire lifetime. I do think it adds more meaning to merely serving/attending church camps. Not for personal gratification really but to lift my existing 1-dimensional spiritual life, which is very unfulfilling.

I would really like to embark on the goal 2010 and perhaps serve for 2 weeks as a start. Anyone interested to join me, please let me know. Perhaps my lovely wife can support me in this plan - we might even beat the 5 hours we meet every week while serving the Lord.

staying focus

2005-04-11T22:43:00.000+08:00

I have finally found the opportunity to blog, choosing to put aside loads of marking that are long overdue. These three weeks back at work is simply crap. Suddenly in the midst of busyness, I have lost interest in almost everything. Time seems to be passing on before I can stop to breathe and relax. At a glance, I found myself questioning my purpose here. God seems far i everything.

Today I received my offer letter from NIE. I am caught in a tricky situation here. The truth is I don't know what I want. I have no goal in life, I don't yearn for anything and yet I can't stay focus on the spiritual goals God's child should have. I complain, I feel horrid and I go crazy. Can't stand myself.. I need to find back my directions.

Anyway, reading some blogs cheered me up a little. At least I know that God's working in their lives. How about mine? Lord, reveal thyself and uplift me to greater heights.

(Ex) Communication

2005-04-04T09:42:00.000+08:00

How do we bear if you don't share?
How do we know if you don't tell?
How do we cheer if you don't talk?
How do we grieve if you don't say？

Communication is extremely lacking among all of us these days. We don't have a sharing life. Oh, it might be personal, it might be difficult to share...but unless you say it out, the ice won't be broken, the bonds remain weak, the ties are nothing but acquintances we see every Sunday, just like every other day. And we are merely make-believing, play-acting that we are a bunch of brothers and sisters who love one another just by singing "A Common Love". We are all selfish creatures - on one hand, we lament the lack of understanding on the other party, yet we ourselves do not provide the information for people to understand! We don't meet week in, week out like checking into each other's hotels, do we?

We need to talk, we need to share each other's burdens. We need to intercede for one another. We need to come as one to the Lord. We can't function without one another. We need to pray for one another.

Down and Out

2005-04-01T16:40:00.000+08:00

I haven't felt so down for quite some time already. It could be the perpetual lack of sleep, the avalanche of work that's piling up, or the refusal to spend some time to straighten my thoughts - fearing that every idle second I spent could be used for better purposes. I felt high-strung, exhausted.

I don't know why. I suddenly placed a lot of emphasis on what I DO instead of what He wants me to do. I want to work - I need to finish this presentation, I want to complete this management report, I want to send this email before I leave office, I want to join in this meeting...I want to, I want to...everything is I, I, I. But as it turned out, everything simply collapsed. I couldn't complete any report, I never had worse presentations, my email is choking up...this week just passed like a flash and on hindsight, I did nothing much! I felt pathetic. I made a lot of promises I couldn't keep, I felt time just slipped off my fingers like water. I felt retarded compared to my peers. I lost the quality of life. I felt like a piece of crap.

Lord, please have mercy on me. Please clarify my vision again. I feel lost, I feel afraid, I feel useless, I lost the joy, and I'm back in the rat race again. I told you so many times that I didn't want my life to be mired in the world, but yet again, I slipped. I wrenched myself out of your loving hands, thinking that I could strike out on my own - but I was so wrong. I am so wrong, Lord. I've strayed too far away from you. Sorry, please bring me back to you. Please take first place in everything I do.

CF camp returns

2005-03-27T20:54:00.000+08:00

This CF Camp was one of the best camp that I had had in years. The returns and lessons I got from it was simply so MUch. To tell u the truth, I had actually very much felt "forced" to go for the camp initially. The thought of not being able to see and spend time with jo on thurs, fri was horrid. I felt half of the world taken away from me. However, both guan and I know that we had to be at this camp. In my mind, I thought I was doing God a favour by going to the camp, to support and boost the morale of the youths. And so I went to the camp.. feeling so sorry for myself that I had to sacrifice so much of my precious time.
However, the 2 short days of the camp really totally changed my mentality. In fact I'm feeling so childish and stupid. I actually felt great when people recognised and sympathized with my sacrifice. Hey see.. "I'm doing this for the Lord". I felt rather unbalanced when other CF members could not avail themselves to stay. I mean it's like "why I must and why not they" kind of feeling lor.
However, I realised that actually there were many others who made even greater sacrifices for this camp. For Chris who had taken 1/2 day to settle logistics for the camp (when he seldom take leave one) and being such a great support; guan who is definately much busier than me and having more respns; lim yong who was not feeling well and practically did not have a proper sleep through the camp; annie and evon also staying thru though their workload is equally or more shit as mine; cuiyun who could be bothered to come in and out of the camp even though she's like super busy in work and studies n have major test 40% weightage on monday; not only them... but also the com people..mee lin having to study and do tutorials in camp; tongli burdened with great respns in the midst of exam prep in a few weeks time.... and so much so much more others whom I may not know.. these people, they just simply gave it for the Lord and not a single complain.Gosh! Suddenly.. I'm asking myself.. "Hey what a shame I've been."
This camp taught me a great lesson. God didn't need me to be there.. He had so many
other people who were willing to lay their lives for Him.. In fact, it was an opportunity from God for me, not so much serve him, but drawing closer to my Lord. Was I willing to lay my life for the Lord?? This camp msg was for me.. not the youths only.. IT was for ME.
Truthfully, this is a heartfelt lesson. Thank God for teaching me.
On top of spiritual lessons, I had a great time fellowshipping with some other people. Like Jacinth who actually prayed for me..hm.. in God's work, this sort mutual support is just so sweet and encouraging. I had a great time playing murderer and polar bears. C'mon lor.. I was in the 007 bang bang ah era. All in all, personally this camp had made me realised much about my wrong thoughts and ways. Come to think of it, the tiredness was bearable and missing of jo too was bearable.... it wasn't much of a problem. God understood it all...

We had a great time with Jo today. I thank God for everything made well..and 1 more thing I have to add.. the planning of the camp was SUper! I totally enjoyed myself. Praise God!

Return to work

2005-03-21T17:15:00.000+08:00

Today is the first day of returning to work after a whole long 2 months break. It could be summarised in one word.. Shack! Its 5pm now and I am currently writing this post while waiting for my subject head to return from her meeting; we have an accounts dept meeting later on.. Oh Dear! In fact,I had just finished a 2 hr workshop on some new e-learning software..some course which is compulsory but I won't be able to add in to my learning hours.

I brought my breast pump out but there isn't any time I can find long enough to pump it out. Its been almost 12 hrs since I last pumped. Wow!!!
The classes I attended today were horrid, having to spend at least 10 mins on getting them settled. I am tired out. In fact, my last meal was at 10 am. Hm.. and i miss jo. Have got to rush home to pump milk for him before going to visit ivy later on.. and return home to pump milk again and sleep for another 5 hrs before the new day starts again. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. (I wonder what time the meeting will end??)By the way, saw some notes on the staff meeting and I was allocated chinese orchestra. CHINESE ORCHESTRA??

Nice song..dedicated 2 hubby

2005-03-16T01:33:00.000+08:00

You make me feel brand new

I am but a foolish man with
only love in his heart
The rain may come, the sun may set,
but I'll never let you go
All I need is your love, to hear
you say that I am your man
So tell me now and show me how
I could be your better man

*And I'll surrender everything just to be with you
There is no one in the world like you You make me real
*And I'll cross every ocean just to be with you
Baby you're my dream and you're my soul
You make me real

副歌：
Just like a flame
You're burning in my soul
You wake me from the cold
You make me real

And like a flame
You brighten up my world
Every corner bears a print of you
You really make me feel brand new

Like a flame
You glow within my heart forever more
You make me feel brand new
(重复 *, 紧接 '副歌'部分)